darklove87
Freaking out
  
Age : 29
Posts : 66
Location : Woonsocket Rhode Island
Join date : 2011-06-14
Character sheet
Name: Justin
Age: 19 turning 20
Affinities : water
 | | Subject: Bloody nightmare. (poem) Thu Sep 22, 2011 9:42 am | |
| I wake up crying.
I lay down in pain.
I love him.
He loves me.
Without him im lonely.
Without me hes lonely.
Why do we suffer this?
Why do we have to be apart?
Unanswered questions are hard to answer.
Unanswered thoughts are free to hurt. | |
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*~Dreamer~*
Combining your affinities to save the day
Age : 28
Posts : 2240
Location : Place where I can be away from loneliness.
Join date : 2009-07-14
Character sheet
Name:
Age:
Affinities :
| | Subject: Re: Bloody nightmare. (poem) Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:22 am | |
| the last line is very well-said. 'unanswered thoughts are free to hurt'. how true indeed! keep writing. read the spoiler if you do not take offend in constructive comments. (: - Spoiler:
Opposites are good, but maybe you can add a little more depth into it? LIke instead of swapping the positions of 'me' and 'him', you can make a whole new sentence, so that it doesn't sound so repetitive. although repetition does have its effect (it does have but is weak here).
The first four lines were good, and i must say, the third and fourth lines were a good use of reiteration. The following two lines pales in comparison IMO. But overall, i think the emotions are effectively conveyed.
And have i said this before? The last line is REALLY beautiful. It's like a tiny firework in the night sky. Gives the reader something to bring home and something CLOSE to the heart to be precise, to bring home. I believe this last line can touch every reader, even though it may be for different reasons --- because it is a stand-alone line. Outstanding and unique. Most of all, you can interpret it ANY way you like, which is what makes it a firework.
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darklove87
Freaking out
Age : 29
Posts : 66
Location : Woonsocket Rhode Island
Join date : 2011-06-14
Character sheet
Name: Justin
Age: 19 turning 20
Affinities : water
| | Subject: Re: Bloody nightmare. (poem) Tue Oct 18, 2011 2:51 pm | |
| lol yea but it is ture. ill write soemthing more positive lol. | |
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nightstar
Telling your parents you are a fledgling
 
Age : 25
Posts : 89
Location : U.S.A
Join date : 2011-10-31
Character sheet
Name: Sky
Age: 14
Affinities : Water,Air
| | Subject: Re: Bloody nightmare. (poem) Thu Nov 10, 2011 4:45 pm | |
| I Love This Poem =) <3 Keep Writing =) | |
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| | Subject: Re: Bloody nightmare. (poem) | |
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