Never the Less

this isn't finish, but it's a start..tell me what you think
As I laid in my bed, just staring at my ceiling, trying to make pictures
with the pattern. I cracked a smile thinking of when I was younger, how I always
put posters of my favorite bands over my bed. Always trying to fit the cutest one
where I'd wake up, but as of right now, my mind was now looking at a plain
white ceiling.
It was raining out, and I'd been thinking about him again. Even if
I'd promised myself I would never let it get to me. Paul, the first "love" of
my life, had a drug problem. He had ditched me one night to be with his
friends, and this wasn't the first time, though it would be the last. While, to
my knowledge, he was still sober. I told him that I didn't want to do this anymore,
and I couldn't put up with him on drugs anymore. I walked away.
I had never had the thought that I'd this was going to be the last time
I would ever see him like that again. I got into my car, and went home. After a
while of being at home, it started to rain.
Paul went to his friends house, got very high, shot almost to much, and
was much to depressed, and all because I told him it was over. No one was sober
enough to tell him not to drive, so he grabbed his keys. He was on his way to come
get me, to have me back. But he never saw that red light.
A few hours later, I got the call that had me out of the door, faster then anything.
When I got to the hospital, the nurse told me that they'd just gotten done with the detox and
taping him up and the casts were on. She also told me that he was sleeping, but waking up
off and on, he was talking and he remembered almost every thing that went on.
I sucked in a deep breath and walked into his room. He lay there taped up as
the nurse said, some blood showing though the bandages. He had his eyes closed. I
walked over to him as slowly as I could.
"I thought you never wanted to see me again" His bright hazel eyes came open slowly.
"I never said that, I said that I didn't want to put up with you on drugs again more." I stated.
"And look where it got you now. In a freaking hospital, and don't go blaming me for
this either, if you wanted me back so badly, you would have never started this in the first place."
"Well a lot good that did, I was T-boned trying to come get you."
"Would have worked a little better if you weren't on the drugs." I spat. "Look, you know
I care about you, or else I wouldn't be here. Right now, I don't know whats really going on, or when
you can come home. But your really lucky you aren't dead, this should have been a nice wake up
call. Since I could never get it through that head of yours."
"Why don't you just leave then Kebi?" He spat back at me.
That had hurt me, and he knew it, but I didn't let him have the satisfaction.
"Fine then, I will"
I left the room, I decided I needed to get some coffee. Not even in my late 20s and I'm
putting up with this. I had turned to go apologize to him, but all doctors had beat me to the room.
He's breathing stopped, and his heart rate was dropping. They wheeled him into Trauma 2, they were
in there for a half-hour. I'd known that he wasn't waking up, I just didn't want to believe it. All movement
in Trauma 2, stopped. Paul was gone.
Which now leaves me laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, holding the last picture me and him
took together, and tears running down my cheeks. Now it's been over a year and I've tried being with
other guys, but I just can't do it. Even if Paul was on drugs, dead, and gone. I still loved him, and I wasn't
over him. We were high school sweet hearts.Told by teachers that we would get married to each other.
Then the drugs started, and it all went down hill from there.
I decided that it was time for me to get up, and out of bed. I put our picture back on the nightstand,
and wiped the last tear away.Maybe I'd do something today, to get everything off my mind, but I wasn't
really sure. I walked into the small bathroom in this two bedroom apartment. Trying to block another
memory of Paul out of my head, and it didn't work. Every time I walked into this bathroom, the memory
of finding him for the first time on this floor, haunted me. When I had come in, there was a beer can by his
head, and a needle by his arm. I never wanted to blame myself for his death, but it was just another thought
I couldn't get out of my empty little head.
I looked in the mirror, my skin had always been tan, but now it looked white. My long thick Italian hair
teamed with loose Irish curls hung down in a messy bun, and all I saw was a messy black mop. The bright
blue eyes that belonged to me. The ones that even I, myself, got lost in, were staring back at me. The whites
of my eyes, now red from crying. I had also always been some what tall, at least for a girl, 5'7 wasn't that short
to most guys. Always slender, sometimes I do left weights and work out, but never really for the muscle.
Just another distraction.
I splashed warm water on my face, which seemed to calm me down before more these "Paul" tears
came rolling along. The phone rang and almost scared me half to death. Yet it was just the phone.
"Hello?" I said as calmly as I could manage.
"Hey Kebi! What were you doing?"
Kristy, my best friends since we were little, always knew when something was wrong with me.
Always knew how to get the truth out of me without asking too.
"Nothing really, whats up?" I said, with a small cough, that slipped. "Sorry about that"
"Ha, it's okay. Just wanted to know if it was okay if I came over today"
This I knew as one of her attempts to get the truth out of me. I never got how she could do that, over the phone too.
"Yeah, come on over"



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