The Khaeos Escape

Oh God save my reched soul from this torment!! cast down by peers, backstabbed by friends. left alone by love ones


the only sole refuge i find is in my place of education. surrounded by the likeness of beautiful and openminded ppl. i wanna leave and i can but there is something holding me back...love...i have love for this man who i feel betrayes me. but in reality he is the closest person i have but you, Nyx, he walks beside me and carries me when im week. i feel that i have grown to attached but something beautiful about him draws me even closer. only if i could be more like him. not let these petty things bother me....yet i bathe in my own pride till it swallows me whole........i was once told that i cant run from my problems but i must face them fearless and kindhearted.i strive to do just that but i fear that i wont let myself. so in reality it is not them i hate, it is I.

i set here and ponder my thoughts. i feel like im swimming in this vast ocean with no life vest. im fighting all different currents trying not to die or get lost. on top of all things the ocean is black. i cant see a thing. its all like a big blurr. the things i once pushed to the back of my mind are now chasing me. i try to block them but then they come flooding in like a waterfall. so many things at once. how do i handle it? i dont. i just push them back to where they were till i explode. i constantly worry bout my future and what it holds. where am i to go from here? what am i to do? i feel like im running nowhere fast. like im running down this never ending black hallway. no doors just walls. im consumed by this so called blackness...its every part of my being. i bathe in it. why am i here on earth....what is my purpose?

as the night sky descends upon me i lift my head unto the clouds and cry out in pain. i hope some one will here my cries and save me. i feel ignored by the outside world known as fate. its like im in this big black hole spinning round and round. all i want is to get out. i scream but the ppl above me ignore my cries. i have lost all sense of hope. im drowning in this ocean we call life.then i see it. the most beautiful thing ever. a blankett... but not just any blanket. a golden one...all i want to do is wrap it around me. if i could only reach it. if i could only grab the corner then i could pull it to me. i look for a way out of this place. a little hole is all i need. so i can tear the fabric of humanity until the hole is big enough for me to fit through. im suffocating. i cant breathe. each breath i take is worse than the first. my heart aches. its dying. i feel all alone. does anyone care anymore???

*silence*

lonliness plagues my soul, it is inscapable.............

i am setting here watching these shadows live their everyday lives oblivious to the outside world that surrounds them. they wallow in their pride and self pity. they bathe in the aura that surrounds them.they all live different lives but they are so much alike each other that they dont notice. its so pecuiler how they so long for selfconformation that they break off into groups of ppl that dress and act just like them. its like a bunch of clones. they think that everything they are is right. if one person is a little different they disown them. they never know who the person really was. all ppl think about is their own lives. if they could just take a moment and step out of their security blanket and take a look around they would see whats right in their face. but they so blindly follow their emotions and it leads them down a path of selfcenterdness. all of us do it. im not gonna say it was the way we was created cause its not. we as humans make ourselves that way.

Why do i try so hard when i know it wont happen?
Like it wasnt ment to be even though i want it so bad.
Why must i be so selfesh?
I think bout what i want and dont even stop to think bout the other person involved.
I never think bout what they want and what they want is not me.
So why must i feel this way?
It's a waste of my time.
But i cant change my feelings.
They have to heal with time.
In the meanwhile i must sit back in silence while my heart silently cries out.
I find complacency in temporary feelings which i know are not real.
These feelings pass with time but are forever in my heart.
I'm afraid to jump.
But a friend gives me courage and reasures me.
So i jump.
Do i land on clouds?
No.
I hit the ground with so much force that my heart shatters into a million pieces.
I long for the one who can put it back together.
The one who can solve this puzzle within me.
And when he does he will hold it in his hands and know of its fragility.
Until one day he "accidently" drops it and it shatters into a million pieces once again.
Only when the true carpenter, the one from above, puts it back together then HE will hand it to the man who will not drop it.
For this man will truely know of its fragility and he will carry it in a box.
And he shall hold it close to his forever.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little peices of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Its weird to wake up and realize your whole life is changed.
Your world is spinning round and round.
Your life is turning upside down.
You spend your time remenesing.
Day dreaming of what life would be.
Trying to find whatever is missing.
Trying to make the mirror happy.
Your putting on a masquerade.
For the whole world to see.
A fake you trying to be a real me.
You put a mask on your face.
Trying to cover it all.
You keep trying to hide your pain.
Thoughts start flooding in like a waterfall.
You feel numb inside.
You don't know what to say.
You keep wishing and hoping that tomorrow was today.
Just be yourself.
Thats when the world will see
A real you and a fake me.