My Keeper

Chapter 1
"Laura....Laura.....Wake up!" i heard my aunt say with urgency as she shook me. "Aunt Lynn...Whats going on?" I asked. "You have to go. It'll be okay," she said with tears in her eyes. I felt big strong muscly arms lift me up “Aunt Lynn!” I cried out as this man no boy, he was hardly older than me, carried me out. I woke up the next morning confused and scared. I got out of the bed I was in and walked down the stairs into a bright sunny kitchen. I didn’t recognize the man sitting at the table reading a newspaper, or the woman at the stove. “Good morning Laura,” said the woman, “I’m Jain and this is my husband Joe. Do you want some breakfast?” she asked, “Not until I find out where my aunt is and what I am doing here.” I replied. “There were some people looking for you and your aunt and…………………………..She was killed.” She told me, “NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed. I ran upstairs slammed the door, and screamed and kicked and threw things. I felt a mans big arms around me as we both sunk to the floor. I panicked and screamed and clawed and kicked. “LET GO OF ME!” I screamed in fear. He turned me over so I could see him. It was the boy who carried me away from my aunt. “Shes dead,” I whispered “I know,” he said softly. And then I cried on him until I fell asleep. I woke up the next morning in the same position I fell asleep in. “Did you sleep?” I asked, “Yes” he said softly. Then he picked me up and started to carry me to the kitchen. “You know I can walk, my legs work perfectly fine.” I said “well I’m not taking any chances.” He replied. “Put. Me. Down.” I ordered. “NO.” he said defiantly. When we got to the beautiful kitchen he put me in a chair and passed me a plate full of food. “Eat.” He ordered, “I’m not hungry.” I replied. “EAT.” He said more forcefully so I ate. “Where’s the bathroom? I need to take a shower,” I asked “The second door connecting to your room, and your clothes are all over the place because you threw them all over.” He told me. I walked up stairs and took a shower. I changed into some decent clothes and went downstairs. I sat in a kitchen chair and waited. I waited for somebody to come and explain or do something. Silent tears rolling down my face I waited for something to happen. “Laura……….lets take a walk,” he said. I got up to take a walk with this boy. I don’t know why I trusted him but I did trust him with everything I had.





Please comment i would like your input and opinios and advice

It sounds like an interesting start, although I don't know where it will go. I hope to read more.
There are some things I'd like to point out though, I think you are more of telling me what happen than actually bringing me through the experience of what happened. and your days past by a little fast. Not that you can't do that, just that it makes the story feel a little rushed and lack of emotions. I can see that you're trying to input emotions but maybe instead of saying what is seen, put a little more description into what is seen, as if bring the characters and the surroundings to life. By describing more, you are actually laying out a setting for the reader and creating the image of the place and how the characters look like.

Overall, I still think it's worth a read, and if you actually think of editing, I'll look forward to reading the edited versions. Hope it gets better from here!

Finally, it will be very very much appreciated if you can review my poems and new stories (:

one more thing, I think you should PM an admin/ mod to move this thread to the story thread. This is the comment thread. Your story should appear in the story thread while comments for your writes will appear in this section (the comments section).

Thanks im going to edit it thanks for the advice i will definately check out ur literature and i will talk to an admin thanks!

Thank you in advance. I do have another story, but am unsure whether i should post it up. I have it up on another site so if you're interested, u can pm me (:

yes i really like this but I think when jain is telling you whats happend and you scream out
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I think it to skriped and you should be less trusting of her and her husband after all youve just woken up in a strange house with people you don't even know and you beleved the first thing they told you cause for all you know, youve just be kidnaped but that in th only thing I could pick that you should change. Its very good

Thanks to everyone for the help I am editing chapter one and it has more emotion and seems over all better thanks for the advice i will post the edited part of chapter 1 as soon as possible.
Thanks.
~KAT~

It sounds better now
Just maybe you could split up the speech lines from the non speech lines, meaning that you make the speech lines appear in a new paragraph so that they don't look like a whole chunk of words. Less tedious on the eyes? Thanks for sharing!

Np! Hey, mind if you check out my stories? Thank you!

~INDA~