A very tell story, but the flow is good. As in I've read so many other worst stories so I know a tell story pale in comparison to a show story, but it's definitely better than a story which lacks a consistent flow and smooth unfolding story.
A good beginning. You said you'd be writing a short story for a competition? It'd be good if you could post it up here too (:
It would help if others around could give suggestions to improve your story (: That can increase your chances of winning (:
Keep writing.
