Devon's Poems

3-27-09
I stand in front of a table, a light flickering above my head. I work maliciously, hunched over. I paint on a white porcelain mask. Using beautiful colors, the brightness is mind blowing. I paint on all the features of a smile. Finally after all my hard work I hold up the mask. My tear stained face mirroring my everlasting pain. I place the mask on my face and I set out into the world. I force my self to laugh and I make small talk. I seem to enjoy my life, surrounded by laughing friends. But as the hours start to pass, the faking becomes hard and my mask starts to crack. I run quickly to dark solitude. I can’t let anyone see I’m faking. I get there in time to catch the pieces. I hold the broken mask close to heart. Praying the happy face on it will seep into me. Why must I wear this mask? I know I’ll never know and I’ll be forced to stumble around in the dark, crying, and holding close the broken pieces.

You found me broken and laying in the floor. You saw though all the games everyone else plays, you saw the real me. I was drowning myself and others around me, wanting, needing them to be as broken as I am. You my only salvation, my solace. Finally I have found you, games begum meaningless and lies seem irrelevant. Everything in the past washed away. I’m new with you. All the dirt is wiped away and I can start clean. I can save you to, just give me your hand. Let me set you free from old burdens and lead you into a new life. Showing you that life is good and you can be true, and I can give you everything you’ve been needing. Let me be your Juliet and you my Romeo. End the lies and live with me in a fairy tale, with endless magic and love that lasts forever.

Betrayed by those left standing, the world is falling and we know why.
I was left here the sun fading away. Where do I go when every corner is so cold?
When there’s no light anywhere? My world is black, the pain I feel is in my blood. Coursing through every inch of me until I wish I could drain myself of every emotion. Plunge myself into the ever lasting waters. But still I stand, everyone wishing they could speak to me, I will never falter. I will wear this mask and draw on my smile. I will remain the light, to keep those around me happy. My brightness will never fail. But as I escape and lean against the wall sliding down my tears coming and my mask falling, who will see me cry now?

this one is my fave!!

Do you see the breaks in my skin caused by you?
You watch me and judge me.
I wonder if you see my wings.
My freedom that lays in the dark and you my redeemer.
All the words you said to shut me down.
Telling me I can’t fly that I can’t be free.
Will you open my cage and watch to see if I leave?
Will you risk my return?
Would you be surprised by the way I flutter?
You walk away and take the light leaving me to strain to shine in the night.
The days go by and I refuse to fail.
Stop trying to break me
You promised me forever and now I’m picking my own lock.
How blind do you think I am?
The door Is opening but the darkness is still there.
I know I can get through it but I’m scared.
Come back for me.
Please
Help me….
Do you remember when you promised me forever?

5-30-2009
Loyalty is my crime
All of you my killers,
As my blood slowly drips from my body
I watch you look down to me.
My eyes are getting heavy my body cold but the blood around me warm.
Surrounded by a pure red bath,
My expression changes and my eyes fade.
There is nothing but death inside me now.
No longer a spirit living free
But now a hollow shell.
Lifeless and still, no thoughts shall ever enter my mind again,
No words may ever pass through my lips again.
You have defeated me, and in death you let me release.

6-12-2009
Empty and dead inside,
I lay here.
My life is a black hollow
Behind me, the rest of my life
Seems so pointless,
No hopes,
No dreams,
No voice,
No chance….
My life has been over for so long and
I just started seeing it.
My body caged inside this house.
My soul begging for release,
I need freedom,
For I fear without it,
This darkness,
This hell,
Will eat me alive..

6-13-2009

The world I see
Doesn’t have perfect housing,
Doesn’t always have a happy bubble,
Sometimes there’s chaos
And sometimes it’s messy.
The world I see
Doesn’t have fancy cars
Or a long driveway
It’s simple and pretty
Easy to manage.
The world I see
Is beautiful to me,
It’s got little bitty flowers
And sometimes the grass grows
To high.
Sometimes there
Be pounds of dishes.
And rooms will be a wreack.
I may even work
Horrible hours.
But the world
I see is perfect to me
Because it’ll have you in it
You’ll be my husband right out
Of a fairy tale.
You’ll tell me stories
And protect me
When it rains
You’ll comfort me when
Life gets hard.
And you’ll hold me when I get scared.
You’ll support me when I’m weak
And correct me when I’m
Wrong.
You’ll love me forever
And will always be loyal.
You’ll tell me you love me at least 90 times a day
I know you’ll keep a smile on my face.
And I know I’ll love you
More then anything.
You’re my world.
I love you
Now
And forever.

4-24-2009

i know you've been here
i can smell your sweet scent.
i can see where your shoes have made
marks on tha ground.
i follow you
i'll always hide in these shadows,
never letting you know i'm watching your
every step,
watching you breath,
counting your heartbeats....
i watch you until
i see you try and find me
then i flee to where i should be
and let you hold me.
my love is fragile and
my mind is quick to judge.
jealoously stabs through my heart
when i see you around others
i can't laugh at myself
when i want to cry...
i know you love me
i see you come to
me everyday..
but yet i feel alone.
no replies, no words....
i feel like a shadow and yet i don't know why
i've been hurt before and not by you...
but yet i treat you like you'd kill me......
i think your just like them.
that you want blood instead of love..

but in my heart i know i'm worng

my head and my heart scream differnt things
i'm so lost and tha world spins around
making me sick and dizzy until you
come to hold me...
i watch you take your steps
and wish that everyone of them
was you coming
straight to me...
i'm a selfish snake
a posionous insect,
but yet you love me....
i feel as if i'm weak and sicking
but you still smile at me....
come to me my love..
hold me in your arms and
wispher a sweet lullaby so
i can finally sleep in peace...

2006 poems, well some of them.


Changes
The more I learn
From within
The more fearful I am
It’s difficult to accept
The responsibilities’ I see
And understand the
Changes that should be made
Taking a different course then I had
Planned.

more 2006

Hatred and life
None of these people know me.
They judge me with a glance
Just because I wear black doesn’t mean
I’m so different one
Of these days all of you
That cast evil eyes on me will learn that
I’ve killed myself and then you can blame your self’s so they
Can think everyday and every night that “I’m the one that caused this”
And I hope they kill themselves too.
So they can rot in hell beside me.
I don’t belong in hell and I know it
But people don’t understand me or what I go through
If I was different everyone would love me. It’d
Be all different…
But to get away from these hateful eyes and horrible abuse
I’d rather kill myself and go to hell because I’ll be out and it’ll
Be worth it, because I’m dead anyways
So what’s left other then my happiness?

more 2006

Love……
Is a sign
Is a sound
Is a summer
Is a stretch
Is a laugh
Is a gift
But all alone is a heart ache…

more 2006

Tears
The tears fall from my eyes
Down my face
And onto my shirt .
Why can’t I get out?
Could you please explain my reason for living?
Everything is being ripped from me.
I think god Is making fun of me
The puppet with the silk strings so
Easy to command and to easy to break.
I try and be as strong as I can but I’m losing it, my fake smiles
And laughs make everyone think I’m normal but when
I can escape to my solitude the tears fall more freely.
They run down my face until I’m left shaking.
I wish I had someone to tell me that it’s fine and that
They care for me. To hold me and dry my tears
No one sees me cry I could sit in my own living and be screaming in pain and no one
Would see or hear me.
I’m alone in my pain
Alone with no hope
So can someone please explain to me my reason
To keep breathing?

more 2006

Help me.
Can you hear me?
Help!!
My tears scream my pain
Silently
I sit in class and they run down
My face.
I stand in the hallway and people push and call names
Go ahead I can take it
I’ll bleed it out later…..

8~31~09

my heart has
shattered and fell
apart.
all for a guy i know i love
although he shows me a heart of
gold and then one of lead.
when i pretend not to notice him
i fail all to easily.
but when he's there
i can't find my place
does he love me back or is
it all a waste?
i'm starting to feel
i should push him away.
when he's around,
becasue deep inside my heart
i knwo i'm easy prey.
a second hasn't passed since i last
thought of him.
everytime i speak to him
fear rushes me.
my secret passion
haunts me
bit i guess it will go to waste
because he still isn't looking my
way....

5-5-2010

i can honestly say i've crawled
with Lucifer. i've reached the bottom pit of my life
and when i look around i don't know anyone here.
i'm bathing in tha pits of hell, surrounded by flames.
punishment for a life of lies. never knowing what i feel
or what i really trust. a mind to naive to carry on. fears
to heavy to ever let me more again
i can't ever be with anyone, i only see hell in thier
eyes. to much time in tha world and not enough ticking
darkness creeping. voices whispering. laughs echoing.
where do i go from here? i've been expelled from heaven, there was
no pain , no fear, no doubt, till they pulled me out of heaven.
i have nothing to live for that's my refrain i live in hell. so i have
no choice, life is not my own. several names have been stamped all over me.
i'm no longer a person, just a puppet, just a puppet with empty button eyes, long strings
and a painted on smile?
wanna see a trick?

this one is my fave!!

Do you see the breaks in my skin caused by you?
You watch me and judge me.
I wonder if you see my wings.
My freedom that lays in the dark and you my redeemer.
All the words you said to shut me down.
Telling me I can’t fly that I can’t be free.
Will you open my cage and watch to see if I leave?
Will you risk my return?
Would you be surprised by the way I flutter?
You walk away and take the light leaving me to strain to shine in the night.
The days go by and I refuse to fail.
Stop trying to break me
You promised me forever and now I’m picking my own lock.
How blind do you think I am?
The door Is opening but the darkness is still there.
I know I can get through it but I’m scared.
Come back for me.
Please
Help me….
Do you remember when you promised me forever?