Dumped on Valentine's Day

"I'm dumping you." Amber said to me.
My face fell. On all days to do so she picked Valentine's Day. It was like she had taken my heart and stomped on it until it was laying in a puddle of blood and lifeless. "But why?" I asked. She looked at me with a look of hate. "Because I never loved you. You are weak and pathectic. I don't even know how you were voted the captin of the football team. Get lost Mark." The next thing I knew I was watching her walk away from me with her girlfriends.
I walked down the hallway with my head down with a dozen roses in one hand and a heart-shaped box of chocolates in the other. They now served no purpose. I should just throw them away, I thought to myself. I was so stupid to think that I could keep Amber as my girlfriend. I bumpped into someone while having theses thoughts. This person was a girl. I think her name was Jasmine.
"Watch where your going!" She said to me. "Don't you even have the manners to offer me a hand up?!"
I looked down at her. "Sorry.." I mumbled. I let the roses and the box drop to the floor. I offered her my hand. She laced her fingers with mine and I pulled her up to her feet. The skin on her hand was warm and soft when everyone else's hands were rough from the dry air of winter.
"You can let go of my hand anytime now." She said with a bit of an annoyed tone. I reluctantly let go of her hand. I picked up the roses and the box of chocolates.
"Do you like roses?" I asked randomly.
"Yes. Why?" She asked with a curious expression.
I handed her the roses. "In that case then Happy Valentine's Day." I was going to keep the chocolate and eat it later.
"Um..Thanks?" She said and walked away.
"Welcome!" I called to her.
I headed to the weight room so I could think and do my daily workout so I could stay in shape for the next football season. If Coach was here he would probably be telling me get my game face on and think about Amber later. I sighed and bumpped up the speed on the treadmill. My body moved in time like a well oiled machine. Soon I had it up to it's top speed. I knew later my calves would be sore but I didn't really care at the moment. I wanted to forget about Amber. I wanted to forget her blue eyes that I loved looking into and her long blonde hair that I liked running my fingers through when we kissed. I shook my head. I needed to focus. I needed to finish my run on the treadmill and then go home.
When I went to the parking lot I ran into her again. The her being Jasmine. Her mousey brown hair was wet and she wasn't wearing a coat. maybe she did a winter sport? I jogged over to where she was.
"Hey Jasmie. I'm sorry about bumpping into you. I was spaced out because-"
"Because Amber dumpped you?" She said finishing my sentence.
"Uh...yea...How did you know?"
"Because she was kissing Bruse Smith in the dusty stacks in the back of the library for the past few weeks. She's not the right girl for you anyways."
What she said blew my mind but also interested me. "Can I ask why your here so late?"
"Winter Track."
I nodded. "So if Amber isn't the right girl for me then who is?"
"I don't know. Only time will tell and You should first of all need to eat that box of chocolate and let time heal your wounded heart first. Chocolate helps a lot."

I'm writing this for my Fiction writing class at school. Id really like it if I can have honest feedback and mainly if you as the reader think this is believable as a story and from a guy's POV.

I like how you picked ordinary names. That makes them seem average but with a different situation then you might expect. I like it.

Thanks. More to come seeing as I need 2-3 pages to hand in on friday.

"That's one thing I've never understood."
"Chocolate is like a sweet lover who isn't limited. Well I suppose it is limted as to how much chocolate you have on hand. But it just helps. Eating a tub of chocolate ice cream and watching a movie of some sort helps as well."
"Have you ever had your heart broken?"
"Now that's my secret." She said as her lips frowned a little.
"I could beat up who broke your heart."
"Now why would you do that for me?"
"Because a guy should be lucky if he even gets to kiss you once."
She pressed her lips toether. "I wouldn't tell you who even you had truth syrum on you."
"That's a bold statement, Jasmine."
"Even if it is a bold statement it's the truth. see you tomorrow at school, Mark."
She walked away to a black Ford Mustang GT. I sighed. I was left alone in the empty parking lot with a box of chocolate in my left hand, my backpack on my back, and my fingers wrapped around the handles on my gym bag. I walked to my red truck and threw my backpack and gym bag on the passenger side and let the box of chocolate rest on the space between me and my bags. I started up my truck and went home.

When I walked into the house my mom hugged me.
"How was school honey?"
"It was fine." I said dully.
"Did Amber like the roses and chocolate?"
I hesitated. She was my mom. I could tell her anything, right? I took a breath and then let it out.
"Amber.....broke up with me." I told her.
"Did she say why?"
I remembered her words...
"Because I never loved you. You are weak and pathectic. I don't even know how you were voted the captin of the football team. Get lost Mark."
"She said that she never loved me...that I was weak and pathetic......that she didn't even know why I was voted team captin..and then she told me to get lost..." I said softly.
"That two faced brat. My son deserves better than a tramp like her."
"I'm gonna go to bed mom. Been a long day." I walked away and left her ranting to a empty room. I took the stairs one at a time and then walked down to the last bedroom on the left. I threw the box onto my bed and dropped my bags next to my desk.

Edit 1:


"I'm dumping you." Amber said to me.
My mouth fell open like it had been nailed to the floor. On all days to do so she picked Valentine's Day. It was like she had taken my heart and stomped on it until it was laying in a puddle of blood and lifeless. "But why?" I asked. She looked at me with a look of resentment. "Because I don't know if I ever loved you. You are weak and pathectic. I don't even know how you were voted the captin of the football team." She said to me. "But but but.....I can make myself stronger..Make myself the strong man you want." I said frantically.
" Get lost Mark." The next thing I knew I was watching her walk away from me with her girlfriends.
I walked down the hallway with my head down with a dozen roses in one hand and a heart-shaped box of chocolates in the other. They now served no purpose. I should just throw them away, I thought to myself. I was so stupid to think that I could keep Amber as my girlfriend. I bumpped into someone while having theses thoughts. This person was a girl. I think her name was Jasmine.
"Watch where your going!" She said to me. "Don't you even have the manners to offer me a hand up?!"
I looked down at her. "Sorry.." I mumbled. I let the roses and the box drop to the floor. I offered her my hand. She laced her fingers with mine and I pulled her up to her feet. The skin on her hand was warm and soft when everyone else's hands were rough from the dry air of winter.
"You can let go of my hand anytime now." She said with a bit of an annoyed tone. I reluctantly let go of her hand. I picked up the roses and the box of chocolates.
"Do you like roses?" I asked randomly.
"Yes. Why?" She asked with a curious expression.
I handed her the roses. "In that case then Happy Valentine's Day." I was going to keep the chocolate and eat it later.
"Um..Thanks?" She said and walked away.
"Welcome!" I called to her.
I headed to the weight room so I could think and do my daily workout so I could stay in shape for the next football season. If Coach was here he would probably be telling me get my game face on and think about Amber later. I sighed and bumped up the speed on the treadmill. My body moved in time like a well oiled machine. Soon I had it up to it's top speed. I knew later my calves would be sore but I didn't really care at the moment. I wanted to forget about Amber. I wanted to forget her blue eyes that I loved looking into and her long blonde hair that I liked running my fingers through when we kissed. I shook my head. I needed to focus. I needed to finish my run on the treadmill and then go home.
When I went to the parking lot I ran into her again. The her being Jasmine. Her mousey brown hair was wet and she wasn't wearing a coat. Maybe she did a winter sport? I jogged over to where she was.
"Hey Jasmie. I'm sorry about bumping into you. I was spaced out because-"
"Because Amber dumped you?" She said finishing my sentence.
"Uh...yea... How did you know?"
"Because she was kissing Bruce Smith in the dusty stacks in the back of the library for the past few weeks. She's not the right girl for you anyways."
What she said blew my mind but also interested me. "Can I ask why your here so late?"
"Winter Track."
I nodded. "So if Amber isn't the right girl for me then who is?"
"I don't know. Only time will tell and you first of all should eat that box of chocolate and let time heal your wounded heart. Chocolate helps a lot."
"That's one thing I've never understood."
"Chocolate is like a sweet lover who isn't limited. Well I suppose it is limted as to how much chocolate you have on hand. But it just helps. Eating a tub of chocolate ice cream and watching a movie of some sort helps as well."
"Have you ever had your heart broken?"
"Now that's my secret." She said as her lips frowned a little.
"I could beat up who broke your heart."
"Now why would you do that for me?"
"Because a guy should be lucky if he even gets to kiss you once."
She pressed her lips together. "I wouldn't tell you who even you had truth syrum on you."
"That's a bold statement, Jasmine."
"Even if it is a bold statement it's the truth. see you tomorrow, Mark."
She walked away to a black Ford Mustang GT. I sighed. I was left alone in the empty parking lot with a box of chocolate in my left hand, my backpack on my back, and my fingers wrapped around the handles of my gym bag. I walked to my red truck and threw my backpack and gym bag on the passenger side and let the box of chocolate rest on the space between me and my bags. I started up my truck and went home.
When I walked into the house my mom hugged me.
"How was school honey?"
"It was fine." I said dully.
"Did Amber like the roses and chocolate?"
I hesitated. She was my mom. I could tell her anything, right? I took a breath and then let it out.
"Amber.....broke up with me." I told her.
"Did she say why?"
I remembered her words...
"Because I never loved you. You are weak and pathectic. I don't even know how you were voted the captin of the football team. Get lost Mark."
"She said that she never loved me...that I was weak and pathetic......that she didn't even know why I was voted team captin..and then she told me to get lost..." I said softly.
"That two faced brat. My son deserves better than a tramp like her."
"I'm gonna go to bed mom. Been a long day." I walked away and left her ranting to a empty room. I took the stairs one at a time and then walked down to the last bedroom on the left. I threw the box onto my bed and dropped my bags next to my desk. I stripped down to my boxers and shirt. My usual sleepware unless it was too hot. I sat down on my bed and took the box into my hands. I lifted the top off and started to at some of it. Some of them were round,triangle,or rectangle shaped. I stopped after eating five peices. I read some of my book for my English class and then went to sleep.
I slept soundly until my alarm went off at 7:00 Am. I hit the snooze button with my fist and reluctantly got out of bed. I took my morning shower and then got dressed. I was not in the mood for school but I knew I had to go. Once I was dressed and ready I went downstairs, said good morning to my mom,and then went out to my truck. I got in it and drove to school.

Edited version two:




"I'm dumping you." Amber said to me.
My mouth fell open like it had been nailed to the floor. On all days to do so she picked Valentine's Day. It was like she had taken my heart and stomped on it until it was laying in a puddle of blood and lifeless. "But why?" I asked. She looked at me with a look of resentment. "Because I don't know if I ever loved you. You are weak and pathectic. I don't even know how you were voted the captin of the football team." She said to me. "But but but.....I can make myself stronger..Make myself the strong man you want." I said frantically.
" Get lost Mark." The next thing I knew I was watching her walk away from me with her girlfriends.
I walked down the hallway with my head down with a dozen roses in one hand and a heart-shaped box of chocolates in the other. They now served no purpose. I should just throw them away, I thought to myself. I was so stupid to think that I could keep Amber as my girlfriend. I bumpped into someone while having theses thoughts. This person was a girl. I think her name was Jasmine.
"Watch where your going!" She said to me. "Don't you even have the manners to offer me a hand up?!"
I looked down at her. "Sorry.." I mumbled. I let the roses and the box drop to the floor. I offered her my hand. She laced her fingers with mine and I pulled her up to her feet. The skin on her hand was warm and soft when everyone else's hands were rough from the dry air of winter.
"You can let go of my hand anytime now." She said with a bit of an annoyed tone. I reluctantly let go of her hand. I picked up the roses and the box of chocolates.
"Do you like roses?" I asked randomly.
"Yes. Why?" She asked with a curious expression.
I handed her the roses. "In that case then Happy Valentine's Day." I was going to keep the chocolate and eat it later.
"Um..Thanks?" She said and walked away.
"Welcome!" I called to her.
I headed to the weight room so I could think and do my daily workout so I could stay in shape for the next football season. If Coach was here he would probably be telling me get my game face on and think about Amber later. I sighed and bumped up the speed on the treadmill. My body moved in time like a well oiled machine. Soon I had it up to it's top speed. I knew later my calves would be sore but I didn't really care at the moment. I wanted to forget about Amber. I wanted to forget her blue eyes that I loved looking into and her long blonde hair that I liked running my fingers through when we kissed. I shook my head. I needed to focus. I needed to finish my run on the treadmill and then go home.
When I went to the parking lot I ran into her again. The her being Jasmine. Her mousey brown hair was wet and she wasn't wearing a coat. Maybe she did a winter sport? I jogged over to where she was.
"Hey Jasmie. I'm sorry about bumping into you. I was spaced out because-"
"Because Amber dumped you?" She said finishing my sentence.
"Uh...yea... How did you know?"
"Because she was kissing Bruce Smith in the dusty stacks in the back of the library for the past few weeks. She's not the right girl for you anyways."
What she said blew my mind but also interested me. "Can I ask why your here so late?"
"Winter Track."
I nodded. "So if Amber isn't the right girl for me then who is?"
"I don't know. Only time will tell and you first of all should eat that box of chocolate and let time heal your wounded heart. Chocolate helps a lot."
"That's one thing I've never understood."
"Chocolate is like a sweet lover who isn't limited. Well I suppose it is limted as to how much chocolate you have on hand. But it just helps. Eating a tub of chocolate ice cream and watching a movie of some sort helps as well."
"Have you ever had your heart broken?"
"Now that's my secret." She said as her lips frowned a little.
"I could beat up who broke your heart."
"Now why would you do that for me?"
"Because a guy should be lucky if he even gets to kiss you once."
She pressed her lips together. "I wouldn't tell you who even you had truth syrum on you."
"That's a bold statement, Jasmine."
"Even if it is a bold statement it's the truth. see you tomorrow, Mark."
She walked away to a black Ford Mustang GT. I sighed. I was left alone in the empty parking lot with a box of chocolate in my left hand, my backpack on my back, and my fingers wrapped around the handles of my gym bag. I walked to my red truck and threw my backpack and gym bag on the passenger side and let the box of chocolate rest on the space between me and my bags. I started up my truck and went home.
When I walked into the house my mom hugged me.
"How was school honey?"
"It was fine." I said dully.
"Did Amber like the roses and chocolate?"
"I-um...she was out sick today" I lied.
"Poor thing. Oh. Your sister's home. She's in your room."
"Why is she in my room?"
"Because she missed you while she was away."
I just shrugged and headed up to my room. When I reached my room my sister was laying down on my bed. She sat up.
"Hey little brother."
"Hi Amy."
"Hows your girlfriend?"
"None of your concern. Now get out of my room."
She put her hands up. "Fine. I'll go." She got up off my bed and walked out of my room. I sat down on my bed. The top blanket was still warm from where she had been laying down. I kicked of my shoes and then laid down on my bed. I looked up at my ceiling until I fell asleep.
I slept soundly until my alarm went off at 7:00 Am. I hit the snooze button with my fist and reluctantly got out of bed. I took my morning shower and then got dressed. I was not in the mood for school but I knew I had to go. Once I was dressed and ready I went downstairs, said good morning to my mom,and then went out to my truck. I got in it and drove to school.
I walked into school and headed in the direction of the indoor track. But who should see on my way there? Amber, and she was not alone. She was with Bruce. One of my fellow team players on the football team. I felt the blood in my viens boiling under my skin. I walked faster to the locker room so I could change into my gym clothes. Once I was dressed I went out to the track and started doing streches that would loosen me up. When I looked up there was a girl curled up in a corner with her legs pulled up to her chest. I started to walk over to the girl. But what if she wants to be alone?, I thought. I sighed. There wasn't any harm in asking,right?
When I reached the corner I realized that it was Jasmine. But why was she here alone? She was sniffling. Was she crying? If so why was she crying?
"Jasmine...Are you okay?"
"Go away." She said and looked up at me. "Go away, now."
Her right cheek was red. Like someone had slapped her hard across the face.
"What happened to you, Jasmine?"
"None of your bussiness, Mark."
"Yes. I think it is. Who hurt you?"
"Stay away from me Mark." She said as she got up.
"Fine. When you do want to tell someone come find me."

I like it. When you say edit does that mean you just added more to it?

geart writing. needs some spell checking though.

yea...I know.....I just suck at spelling......lol.


Nyx: no I mean as in edited drafts. cuz this is for a class at my high school.

Oh. Ok. Thanks. I think it's great so far. But I feel as though right now you are just in the middle of the story and that it doesn't have an ending yet. So I hope there is more.

There will be. its just locked in my head.

Wow Really Good!!

Final edit of this section:



"I'm dumping you." Amber said to me.
My mouth fell open like it had been nailed to the floor. On all days to do so she picked Valentine's Day. It was like she had taken my heart and stomped on it until it was laying in a puddle of blood and lifeless. "But why?" I asked. She looked at me with a look of resentment. "Because I don't know if I ever loved you. You are weak and pathectic. I don't even know how you were voted the captin of the football team." She said to me. "But but but.....I can make myself stronger..Make myself the strong man you want." I said frantically.
" Get lost Mark." The next thing I knew I was watching her walk away from me with her girlfriends.
I walked down the hallway with my head down with a dozen roses in one hand and a heart-shaped box of chocolates in the other. They now served no purpose. I should just throw them away, I thought to myself. I was so stupid to think that I could keep Amber as my girlfriend. While having theses thoughtsI bumpped into someone. This person was a girl. I think her name was Jasmine.
"Watch where your going!" She said to me. "Don't you even have the manners to offer me a hand up?!"
I looked down at her. "Sorry.." I mumbled. I let the roses and the box drop to the floor. I offered her my hand. She laced her fingers with mine and I pulled her up to her feet. The skin on her hand was warm and soft even though everyone else's hands were rough from the dry air of winter.
"You can let go of my hand anytime now." She said with a bit of an annoyed tone. I reluctantly let go of her hand. I picked up the roses and the box of chocolates.
"Do you like roses?" I asked randomly.
"Yes. Why?" She asked with a curious expression.
I handed her the roses. "In that case then Happy Valentine's Day." I was going to keep the chocolate and eat it later.
"Um..Thanks?" She said and walked away.
"Welcome!" I called to her.
I headed to the weight room so I could think and do my daily workout so I could stay in shape for the next football season. If Coach was here he would probably be telling me get my game face on and think about Amber later. I sighed and bumped up the speed on the treadmill. My body moved in time like a well oiled machine. Soon I had it up to it's top speed. I knew later my calves would be sore but I didn't really care at the moment. I wanted to forget about Amber. I wanted to forget her blue eyes that I loved looking into and her long blonde hair that I liked running my fingers through when we kissed. I shook my head. I needed to focus. I needed to finish my run on the treadmill and then go home.
When I went to the parking lot I ran into her again. The her being Jasmine. Her mousey brown hair was wet and she wasn't wearing a coat. Maybe she did a winter sport? I jogged over to where she was.
"Hey Jasmie. I'm sorry about bumping into you. I was spaced out because-"
"Because Amber dumped you?" She said finishing my sentence.
"Uh...yea... How did you know?"
"Because she was kissing Bruce Smith in the dusty stacks in the back of the library for the past few weeks. She's not the right girl for you anyways."
What she said blew my mind but also angered me. I had never cheated on Amber. So why did she cheat on me with one of my teammates? I decided to be angry about this later. I wanted to talk to Jasmine. "Can I ask why your here so late?"
"Winter Track."
I nodded. "So if Amber isn't the right girl for me then who is?"
"I don't know. Only time will tell and you first of all should eat that box of chocolate and let time heal your wounded heart. Chocolate helps a lot."
"That's one thing I've never understood."
"Chocolate is like a sweet lover who isn't limited. Well I suppose it is limted as to how much chocolate you have on hand. But it just helps. Eating a tub of chocolate ice cream and watching a movie of some sort helps as well."
"Have you ever had your heart broken?"
"Now that's my secret." She said as her lips frowned a little.
"I could beat up who broke your heart."
"Now why would you do that for me?"
"Because a guy should be lucky if he even gets to kiss you once."
She pressed her lips together. "I wouldn't tell you who even you had truth syrum on you."
"That's a bold statement, Jasmine."
"Even if it is a bold statement it's the truth. see you tomorrow, Mark."
She walked away to a black Ford Mustang GT. I sighed. I was left alone in the empty parking lot with a box of chocolate in my left hand, my backpack on my back, and my fingers wrapped around the handles of my gym bag. I walked to my red truck and threw my backpack and gym bag on the passenger side and let the box of chocolate rest on the space between me and my bags. I started up my truck and went home.
When I walked into the house my mom hugged me.
"How was school honey?"
"It was fine." I said dully.
"Did Amber like the roses and chocolate?"
"I-um...she was out sick today" I lied.
"Poor thing. Oh. Your sister's home. She's in your room."
"Why is she in my room?"
"Because she missed you while she was away."
I just shrugged and headed up to my room. When I reached my room my sister was laying down on my bed. She sat up.
"Hey! Little brother."
"Hi Amy."
"How's your girlfriend?"
"None of your concern. Now get out of my room."
She put her hands up. "Fine. I'll go." She got up off my bed and walked out of my room. I sat down on my bed. The top blanket was still warm from where she had been laying down. I kicked of my shoes and then laid down on my bed. I looked up at my ceiling until I fell asleep.
I slept soundly until my alarm went off at 7:00 Am. I hit the snooze button with my fist and reluctantly got out of bed. I took my morning shower and then got dressed. I was not in the mood for school but I knew I had to go. Once I was dressed and ready I went downstairs, said good morning to my mom,and then went out to my truck. I got in it and drove to school.
I walked into school and headed in the direction of the indoor track. But who should see on my way there? Amber, and she was not alone. She was with Bruce. One of my fellow team players on the football team. I felt the blood in my viens boiling under my skin. I walked faster to the locker room so I could change into my gym clothes. Once I was dressed I went out to the track and started doing streches that would loosen me up. When I looked up there was a girl curled up in a corner with her legs pulled up to her chest. I started to walk over to the girl. But what if she wants to be alone?, I thought. I sighed. There wasn't any harm in asking,right?
When I reached the corner I realized that it was Jasmine. But why was she here alone? She was sniffling. Was she crying? If so why was she crying?
"Jasmine... Are you okay?"
"Go away." She said and looked up at me. "Go away, now."
Her right cheek was red. Like someone had slapped her hard across the face.
"What happened to you, Jasmine?"
"None of your bussiness, Mark."
"Yes. I think it is. Who hurt you?"
"Stay away from me Mark." She said as she got up.
"Fine. When you do want to tell someone come find me."

I love it, it is amazing and pretty interesting =) Keep writting it .