Of Course I Totally Knew That

From:
http://ofcourseitotallyknewthat.blogspot.com/

I moved recently...



I left *EVERYTHING*!



Seriously...

Everything...



School, friends, dreams, hopes...BLAH BLAH BLAH



*btw I still have that song in my head*



But I did it to protect someone I love...



It all started one weekend: (cue black and white)



My mom went crazy and told me she was gonna make me stand out there (with a bunch of other people that she doesn't like) and blow her head off...Because I was reading a book...When she wanted me to get dressed, *WHICH she never told me*



So she went outside with a beer and started talking to herself...In the front yard.



Well, I was freaking out...I had no idea what to do...



I was home alone with a person have a mental and physical breakdown...What should I do?



I called my aunt (one of the closest people to her) and gave her the lowdown...



She said she'd call back and *happen* to call @ the right time...



It worked...



But I started to think...A couple of nights before...Mom said the only reason she was here was to wait the few years I had @ school and ship me off to college...Then, she'd leave...



But she was obviously crazy now...And I didn't think she could hold on any longer...





*So I left*





The advice from friends and family was (btw I never told anyone about that except my aunt)



do what's right for you...



*ouch*



They thought I left for me



*x2 ouch*



But maybe it would be best for me, I thought...



Maybe if I leave, my mom *won't* try to kill her or me...And I won't go crazy looking out for her...



But it got really hard to keep telling myself that...



Why?



"Katie, I love you! You're my world! Why did you leave? You're ruining your education!?!? Come back!"



BLAH BLAH BLAH (The Ke$ha irony, huh?)



And it was hard to tell her no.



The worst part was...



she was right.





I was ruining my life...I went to the best school in the state...



Now I go to the worst...



In the middle of a nowhere incest holler (hollow)...



I'm stuck there...



It's been a month...



And the kids there are brats...



But some of my family goes there...



So I get to see them...



It's not the end of the world...



I guess...



Just the end of mine.



For someone who went crazy...Told me she was gonna kill herself because of me...



Told me



I was stupid



I wasn't going to amount to anything...



I had no "common sense"...



So thank the Lord I had "book smarts"...



Told me all these awful things...



Knocked me down repeatedly...



Yet she was my mother...



And yet I still loved her...



And yet I still love her...



No matter how she looks at me...



Even how she looks at me now...



Even though I have nothing...



Because I had to protect her...



I did the right thing...



Didn't I?

Of Course I Totally Knew That:



I did the right thing....



Or Maybe I don't




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Dear Diary:

Everything is slowly putting itself back together. Except for the fact thta I can't go back. I visit Mom's on the weekend, and we both put on fake smiles. But one day they'll be real...
Well, her's will be. I mean, that's kinda the reason I moved in the first place.
I hate awkward things. I really do. They make me extremely sivk to my stomach. They make me want to barf on someone. Ha!
But I won't. I'll just smile and wave like nothing's wrong. Eventually it'll go away, right?

Yesterday I was told, "You are outwardly extroverted, but inwardly introverted. You have secrets, girl, and you hide them by acting as though you tell the world everything."

That's weird, huh?
I wonder if I am...I'm a very outgoing person though. And I'm not very shy.
So, is she really right?
Maybe she is...Maybe she's just spouting off crap...I don't really understand...

Of Course I Totally Knew That:

My hair looks cool with long fringe



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Dear Diary:

Maybe I'm just being a drama queen. I mean seriously.

Why in the world should I get all my-life-is-totally-ruined; just because I moved?

But I think the whole impact of the fact that my mom told me she'd "blow": her "head off in the front yard" (instead of 'her' she said 'my')...

But it's so draining. I find myself thinking that maybe I should've stayed to keep an eye on her. But this has to be the best chance I've got. It will give her the opportunity to leave her personal hell and my personal heaven.

Isn't it funny how the whole walk-a-mile-in-each-other's-shoes thing really is true?

Different people look at each situation in a different light. It's kinda cool.
It's also kinda depressing...hmmm...I should become a philosopher.

lol

Of Course I Totally Knew That:
I SHOULDN'T become a philosopher...Since I just think about what other people have already thought of...



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Dear Diary:

My new school is just absolutely ridiculous!


These kids are...scary. And I'm related to everyone (distantly lol)...But that's incest holler (hollow) for ya.

But seriously. We're playing Monopoly (yes, Monopoly) and this Braxton kid comes up and sits beside me. He starts to play with us. Then, the idiot tries to feel me up...In front of everyone! And I was like oh no you just didn't.

Then, he tries to be all lovey-dovey and hold my hand and lay one me and stuff...And I've never had all full conversation with him!

Today, he gets the nerve to ask me to PROM!

I was like, "No. You're a weirdo stalker."

I still haven't scared him off yet.

And the only reason all these boys like me is because I'm new. Something new to just play with and through away...

*ugh-ness*

I still have Blah-Blah-Blah in my head.

Of course I'm not completely alone!! *sorta*

This Brandon dude and this Caitlin girl and this other Katrina girl lemme hang with 'em...But it's still awkward.

I'm not comfortable around these people. It feels like every single thing I do is monitored. And it's seriously gettin' on my nerves.

Everybody already has their BFF's. There is no space for a newbie...And it sucks...Utterly *like a moo-moo cow*

I had my old friends and I could be my crazy-self. Here I step the littlest bit out of line and everybody just focuses their laser eyes on me...

IT'S SOOOO FRUSTRATING!

And I'm loosing contact with my friends...They're slowly drifting and I'm the only one who's trying to tie back those bonds.

They're just like we-miss-you-come-back-the-end.

No, are you doing okay's or I hear you're having trouble...

And I clearly voice my opinion...But they couldn't do anything anyway...And I'm the only one who seems to realize that...

but I miss them!

I hate loving people! I hate it soo much! Why do I have to give everything up for her?!?!? My friends my education! Everything!


But I didn't.
I don't.
She didn't ask...Well, in a way, she did. The look in her eyes. The crying, the suicide, everything...

And just like my friends...There is nothing I can do except leave...Just like they're leaving me.

Of Course I Totally Knew That:

This wouldn't be easy...



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Dear Diary:

Socrates and Plato. Plato and Aristotle. And I can't recall Aristotle's favourite student...I used to know, but I haven't studied in sooooo long. Do you know how long it took me to beat Yasmin...And it only happened once. It won't ever happen again, now that I'm here, but still. I studied day and night day and night in class out of class flash card flash card...and now it's all gone. The irony. The one thing I worked so hard for is gone. In a blink of an eye, I feel like I'm in Flowers for Algernon or something lol...It's so weird. I can't even name my newbery's anymore. My newbery's. The easiest to remember...I find myself from time to time reminding myself to stop sitting around and study. And realize that I don't have to anymore. It's weird lol

Of Course I Totally Knew That: This is pretty useless. I just want to complain.



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Dear Diary:

As the days passed, I found myself admitting to Mom why I left. But only because she looked like she was drunk and was gonna kill me if I didn't.
I immediately wanted to beat myself to death and burst into tears and laugh (maniacally, of course) at the same time.
I think I may be neurotic.
She...You should've seen her face. I think I died a bit that day. And, for once, I'm not being dramatic.
I should've never told her.
I screamed it over and over in my head. And usually a hint of emotion shows on my face during times like those. But my face was stone cold...I could feel it. And so I sat their grilling myself inside, but acting like I didn't care that she broke down in tears as she register.
She told me she never would forgive herself. she said it again...again...again...again...again. Shaking her head, snotting all over the place...again...again...again.
And their I sat, eating a bag of friggin' Lays. Crunch. Sob. I'll never forgive myself. Sob. Crunch.
Over and over. Again and again.
"I'm so sorry."
She said that a lot, too. And so did I. I screamed it actually...
In my head.
While I watched.
As I hurt her.
Again...again...agian...over...over...over...and over again.
"Because of my lifestyle," she says. "you have never been able to have a childhood."

That seems to be what everyone tells me. You act too grown up. Enjoy your childhood like you should.
And I did. When it was available. But a child grows up thinking, "My parents are invincible." And they protect the child. But one day, they will show weakness. Then, the child should step forward and protect them...Return the favor. Show them you love them.

You hate me don't you. That's what she said when I first left.
Don't touch me.
Kirb *Stepdad* said, "I can't believe you are doing this."
His face...it was an awful face. I can see it. It haunts me. It showed...disgust. Hatred.

I shake when I think about it. My teeth; they chatter.

Mom...That day I told her the truth. She said, "That was useless. I still can't afford to live on my own. Come back."

I won't.

I promised I wouldn't...

So, I can't...

I can't hurt Jeremy again...

My stepbrother is the only one I have. Once I moved up here, he started talking to me more. Like he used to before I moved sooo long ago...But, will it even last?

My chest hurts...It feels like there is someone sitting on top of me. Staring at me and laughing at my pain...
Making it worse.

Of Course I Totally Knew That:
I'm absolutely crazy...Neurotic at the least. I have had way too many breakdowns not to be.



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Dear Diary:

It's summer btw.

I went to Mom's blah blah blah

We went to Disneyworld to celebrate my stepbro, Kirby II's 18th bday/graduation.

It was miserable. I decided: It his day he should decide where we go.

So when they asked, I politely declined...

We were sitting in the shade, while plotting our next stop. I was contently playing with my fan by spinning it round and around with my finger.
They ask me if there is anywhere I want to go.

I say no.

Mom flips out.

You are not doing this, she says. You are not ruining our vacation, she says.

WTC!??! Random turtle moment much?? All over the place.

And my anger did show on my face...
HOW DARE SHE!?!?
Our first day here and she's already stirring up the drama.

She says, If you are going to act like that right now, I will take you back to the hotel, where you can stay. I'm gonna enjoy myself.

And I was sooooo mad. I felt hot tears roll down my face. So I quickly put on my sunglasses so she wouldnt notice.

This continued throughout the trip. In the pictures we took. I can tell if I was happy oy not. Glasses/Sunglasses on = I was crying
Off = Happy Days

That was the worst 5 days of my life.

She constantly snapped at me throught the trip.

And in the back my mind, every sharp word she said. I would recall her shaking saying i'm sorry. I'll never forgive myself. over and over and over again and again.
And the guilt I had felt. Th awful guilt...

Who was she to do that to ME!?!?

My mom?

The one who loves and shelters me.

It feels like she is beating me to death everytime she says something mean.

Is she playing with me? I don't understand her logic.Don't you repent and try to make it up to someone when you'll "never forgive" yourself for what you did to them?

Obviously, not in Mom's world.

Of Course I Totally Knew That:

I shouldn't have told her...She wouldn't understand anyway.



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Dear Diary:

I keep thinking that school...it's gonna start in a few weeks...what will she do? will she make me come back? will she cry and beg me too? what will she do if I say no...

I want it sooo bad. to go back...

school was all I had, you know?

i could be myself...no one would judge...

if they did, why should i care?

and if they aren't someone important in my life, it won't matter to me...

I hate my school now...There are no long debates about random things and class related things at the same time...

But I guess (by the way people talk about it) that everyone thinks I'm over it...

But i don't think i'll ever be...it was so fun there. i was swept away by the opportunities. if i kept it up til senior year...future problem solving could go to Australia...so was the rumour...
How amazing would that be!?!?!?

AUSTRALIA.

But what am I thinking?

That won't happen. I go to Cordia. They don't have F.P.S.
At least they have academics...But it won't be the same...It was my 8th grade year...Yasmin, Breonna, and Jenna got theirs...But I took mine away.

The year I would work the hardest I've ever worked before...So maybe I could go to the Governor's Cup...I could walk up the stage and show the world...show my mother...That I'm not stupid...

I'm smart...No matter what she says...

But that won't happen.

Because I'm SO STUPID!

Why should III have to care about THEM!?!?!?

Them being everyone...I feel guilty if I take the last cookie from the pack...Or the last glass of milk. Or the last yoohoo can in the fridge...
I can't even finish foods w/o being afraid that someone else might want themm...

WHY!?!?!
Why me???

Why do I have to pray every night and tell God how guilty I am?


It makes me soooo MAD! But the weirdest part is...I can't NOT do it...And it sucks!
and why do I care if i'm so mean all the time...

I have to face it. I'm a rude person.

My temper is out of control. I'm quick to snap at people if they do anything at all to me, such as look at me, talk to me, make me do something, ask a favor, make sure i'm feeling all right, offering me something like a cookie (lol) or anything of the sort. But only when I'm in a foul mood...I get in these often...And I don't know why...

Of Course I Totally Knew That:
I'm neurotic to the bone; no doubt about it...
But hey, we've already clarified this...



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Dear Diary:

School...School...School.

It'll be hear in like 2 weeks...I absolutely hate this. I don't want to go to that school. But I want to live here so Mom can leave...So I guess Mom is more important then what I want...Yep.

So No matter what she does...I'll stay here.

I'm such a liar. I claim I did it for mom's sake and I can't even stop complaining...But everything hurts...Maybe I just did it because I thought she'd laugh and say that it was all fake. She didn't hate it up there. And that she loved me and would never be a jerk ever again...


Haha.

Pretty stupid.

I don't know why I did it.

I just didn't want her to cry anymore.

I wished she would love me again...

Like she used too.

I'm soooooooooooo..........tired.

I just want everything to stop.



Of Course I Totally Knew That: I can sign my ABC's on ASL



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Dear Diary:
You may have endless ideas streaming through your head but little patience to see any of them through to the end, Sagittarius. Perhaps you're so busy jumping from one thought to the next that you don't take any of them far enough to know whether or not they're worth pursuing. Write thoughts down as they come to you, and go over them later when your mind is in a quieter state.

Of Course I Totally Knew That: These Horoscopes are crap. But I've decided to write them down in case anything along their predictions happens. Because it'll all be here.



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Dear Diary:

So according to my horoscope, I am doing the right thing...I guess.

Hmm... I really want some Froot Loops. Or Frosted Flakes...NO! I want some ramen...I don't really know what I want.

I watched Sleeping Beauty last night...It's been FOREVER since I watched it. And to tell you the truth.

It sucked. But it that awesome fairy tale way. I mean Aurora (Briar Rose) is just singing with her animal friends (like all those movies in the beginning [cept for Beauty and the Beast, which is the best evah]) and then the prince comes and they fall in love by dancing and singing to each other for about...I'd say an hour. And then, in the Cinderella style, Briar Rose realizes that she isn't supposed to be talking to anyone (and that's probably the reason that she burst into song and dance and fell in love in like...1 hour!!!) and runs away. ANd the Phillip (hehe Phillip...I love that name) shouts, "WHEN WILL WE EVAH C EACH OTHAH AGAIIIINNNN!!!"
"Oh, Never!"
WTC!?!?! How do you know Briar Rose.
And then she throws that idea out the window, "Tonight at the woodcutter's cottage."
DUNHDUNHDUNH....

And then the fairies are like you cant see him ur engaged to Prince Phillip and since it's a fairytale they dont know each others names so she doesn't know she just MET Pricne Phillip. And she throws a IT'S MAH SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAH! I'M IN LOVE AND I'M NOT A PRINCESS! Hissy fit...Over a GUY who she JUST MET and his MADLY in love with...lol

So she cries for about another hour. Then the fairies sneak her into the castle and...you should know the rest...Ya know the prick her finger thing happens while she was crying like a baby. She falls asleep.

They make the whole castle fall asleep. Phillip goes to meet Briar Rose and stumbles upon Maleficent (HoN awesome co-winky-dink anyone?) who goes "LIKE OMG A PRINCE AWESOMMMMEEAAAAHHH!"

And ties him up and brings him to her lair. (It's like forbidden castle or the forbidden mountain...something stupid with the word forbidden.)

And then the fairies are like "OH NOOHHHHH! We canted go up-ed there-ed!!"
And I'm like nahhh DURH! Are you stupid!?!? Of course you can't! Why? BECAUSE IT"S FORBIDDEN!

But they go. Untie the \prince kill a bunch of her henchmen and turn he birdie to stone. Then they go to the castle blocked by thorns and briars made by her evilness and then cut through them with the sword of truth...and i think it was truth and justice...but it definitely had truth in the title...
ANd then Maleficent gets realaaaaalalalllly PO'ed and turns into a dragon (random turtle moment?) and then they fight and she drops the powers of H-E- Double Hockeysticks Bomb and I was like IT'S FLIPPIN DISNEY! Ahh watevs.. and hhhhaaaanyways the faires go say some kinda rhyme about truth KILLING evil...Awwww you know Evil queens gonna die.... :[

ANd then he just throws the sword somehow flawlessly landing in her heart and as she tries to snap at him she falls...and breaks off some of the cliff they were standing on (but they were at the castle so I don't know how that worked out?!!?) But she does break off some of the cliff. and this part is reallllllly flawed because as she snaps she had him on the EDGE and he like ducks on the ground and then she breaks off the cliff and goes into the green fire...And he's crouching in the SAME PLACE!!!!!

Stupid animators...

I'm too picky lol.

Then he goes up the highest room in the tallest tower (Shrek anyone) and kisses her. And you know the rest...Or do you. They go down stairs and dance and the fairies get mad because one wanted the dress pink and one wanted it blue (merriweather was the blue one i think and flora the pink [rhyme!] and i cant remember what the green one was. i think it rhymed with flora)...

THE END.

Of Course I Totally Knew That:
I just wasted a whole blog entry on Sleeping Beauty.
I think I'm gonna go with noodles or Eggo/Waffle Crisp cereal for breakfast...
Noodles...Def. Ramen Chicken of COURSE!



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Dear Diary:

Your Daily Horoscope

You may experience a transformation in your thinking. It's bound to affect
every aspect of your life, Sagittarius. By always questioning, you work
through difficult issues that require a constant reshuffling of viewpoints.
Feel free to open yourself up to new ways of thinking as you dismiss old
ways that no longer serve you. Now is a terrific time to consider a fresh
wave of thought. You'll be exposed to a new way of truth.

I took some personality tests lol
Here are my results:

Your Sign is? Fire.

Fire burns things. If it were conscious, it would
look upon everything else as being either fuel
or not fuel. And thatâs how people with strong Fire
placements seem to act. They can be so completely self-centered,
it sometimes seems they donât know that anyone else is really alive.
Itâs very difficult to get them to see things from anyone elseâs
point of view because, deep inside themselves, they donât
believe there is any other point of view. Just their own.



Tom boy, Sporty.
You love sports and are a tom-boy.
But you can also be a pretty big girly girl when it comes to make-up and shopping.


The nice one.
You will be known as the nice girl/boy. People will like you and would want to be your
friend. People will aslo be able to trust you.
Make sure you dont take advantage at the fact people like you. Stay
the way you and dont stop being nice. Being really nice to people will get you far in life.

And a cool story.

About giant trees. Fred's dad, Charles, had five little seedlings (one of them Fred)
and scattered them out a bit to grow. As the aged, Charles told them to always
have a certain goal:
"Make the children of the universe happy forever." Well, as Fred and his siblings
got older. They left the planet Galaloobang in the Galaxy Far Far Away and got onto a
dieing star. The each got on one of the five points of it and once it exploded the were
shot into different places in the universe. Fred landed on Earth. After playing with
the dinosaurs for a few million years, he watched them become extincted-ed. He got
lonely. And after another few million years, he remember his father's words:
"Make the children of the universe happy forever." And so, Fred made a lake
and stayed on an island and let everyone have fun on the lake. But Fred got
lonely again. Because they played on his lake. And came to his island. But they
only camped there and played in the lake with their families and forgot Fred.
So he called and talked to people in places and let them buy the island and
make it into a camp there he makes children of the universe happy forever
and gets to have fun with everyone too. That's why if you get in trouble on
the island, you go hug Fred. So that you remember to be nice and help
Fred make children of the universe happy forever.


Of Course I Totally Knew That:
That's about it.





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Dear Diary:

My favorite band evah is Paramore...I think. o.O and I have this obsession with the song by John Rzenick/Goo Goo Dolls - I'm still Here...

I lolove it.

Do you ever see people do something really cool and be like...I WANNA DO THAT.

And so you try...And try...And try...And try...And try again, but you epically fail EVERYAH time!!

I do...ALL the time.

Do you ever get that feeling that you don't belong? That you are just an outsider?

And so you try...And try...And try...And try...And try again to fit in, but you NEVAH succeed?

I don't.

HAHA got you on that one right? Thought so.

10 Facts About Right Now

1.) Noodles are awesome.
2.) I had a really hard time learning my facts from opinions
3.) You didn't notice that number 1 is an opinion.
5.) I skipped number four but you didn't know.
6.) You just checked. Am I not trust worthy?
7.) I cannot believe you flippin checked.
8.) Did you know that number seven is not a fact either?
9.) It's a statement.
11.) I skipped ten. Did you flickin' check?
12.) There are actually ten facts.
13.) There are not ten facts you idiot. Because some of them aren't facts!
14.) Including this one...There are nine.

I saw something to that effect on YouTube...Mine didn't work though did it lol

Ahh well. Nite!

Of Course I Totally Knew That:
I'm awesome. (No, you're not. Dude don't lie!)



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Daily Horoscope
It's OK to be wrong, Sagittarius. If you know you've made a mistake, feel free to admit it. Don't let your ego stand in the way of progress. Others won't want to deal with you if you insist that what you're doing is right all the time when perhaps it isn't. Your mind may be a bit more fragile on a day like this, so try to be more sensitive and receptive than usual.


Thank you, Facebook.




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Katie has 256 friends. 84 of them are male, 156 are female, and 16 are confused about their gender.

Based on her Facebook profile, she has a 91% chance of getting married and is likely to have 7 children over her reproductive years.

She will make about $7,554,062 in her life and pay $2,266,219 in taxes.

In Katie's life, she will have spent 29 years sleeping, and 504 hours on the toilet.

She will probably live to be about 96 years old. 231 people will attend her funeral with 9 of them expecting some kind of inheritance.

Whoa, toilet time clocks in. Congratulations, me. And again thank you Facebook.



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My Daily Horoscope
Much has happened recently, Sagittarius. Have you allowed enough time to process it? It's likely that big changes are brewing at home or work. Stay focused on the job at hand rather than fret about events over which you have no control. You may feel as if you're on a roller-coaster ride, but everything will settle down in a few days. Blink to adjust your eyes to the strange new light.

Facebook. You are totally cool.



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My If You Really Knew Me:

If you really knew me, you'd know that everyday is hard for me to live. I haven't laughed in months. Just faked it. If you really knew me, you'd know that know one can tell. If you really knew me, you'd know that my mom woke up one morning and decided to tell me that she wanted to kill herself because of me. And that she wanted me to watch her blow her head off.
If you really knew me, you would know that I think about it everyday and have for the past 5 months. If you really knew me, you'd know that I moved to my dad's after that because my mom said the only reason that she stayed with my stepdad was because of me.
You'd know that I told her the reason after about 3 months.
You'd know that it made her cry. You'd know she said that she'd never forgive herself.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I can't go back because I promised Jeremy. And he'd hate me.
If you really knew me, you'd know that my mom thinks I lied about the reason I left because I won't come back.
If you really knew me, what would you do?
If you really knew me, what could you do?

If it wasn't a lie, and mom kills herself...What would I do?
What could I do?



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cheerfull
you are always happy. and when your not happy, you pretend to be. sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes its a really bad thing. you love giving complements, which is nice, but it can get annoying. so just be careful not to overdo it.



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Your Daily Horoscope

Today's planetary configurations are pushing you to get some perspective on your life and the lives of people closest to you, Sagittarius. You must admit that you've been rather selfish lately. You aren't the center of the universe, so why do you sometimes act like you are? This is a day to make amends with friends and loved ones. They'll welcome you back with open arms



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I...feel strangely good. I must've let everything out when I typed that. When Mom dropped me off, I had been a bit out of sorts hiding my tears. But I feel...A LOT better. Especially since school is in about two days.

Hooray for Katie! Gogogo! POWAHH.

^that li'l chant made me feel better.^

eventually i'll laugh about this. about how stupid this was...opr maybe i'll be in a box wallering in my hobo-ness and being really PO'ed that i never went to the best school in the state and couldn;'t support myself.


i guess we'll see...

and as for mom, as depressed as she is, i don't think that she is going to kill herself.


all i can do is pray and watch it all unfold.


so, future rich/medium class/poor hobo-self, good luck!

and whatever happens, please don't forget me. the now me. the me who has been in h-e- *double hockeysticks* for the past 5 months. and has started the road to recovery. hopefully, this journal shall never be written in again for any mid-life crisis.




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