Fire poems :)

haha thanks

[As my threads are also dead, It would be nice of you to review some of my writes, either on the poetry section or story section. I've one short story and two novels up.]

~*Fire*~ wrote:

Darkness turns to gary
to me its just another day
the tears I cried
I can't take back
I love I had
I wish you could see
just how much you mean to me

this one's short, sweet, simple, nice. Just perfect. I don't really know what else to say. It's really beautiful?

But the third line 'I love I had' Did you mean 'the love I had'?
The last two lines were really poignant. great write! KEEP GOING.

~*Fire*~ wrote:

Babe you are my everything
why should it matter what they think
why should it matter what they say
I want you and you alone

those nights together
the days apart
the sadness that is in my heart
baby you take it all
that makes you you

baby I love the way you look
your touch your eye
you could make a girl cry
Can't you see ?
Baby you mean everything to me!!!!

Rap-ish.

The last line of the second stanza I suggest: 'that makes you/ who you are/' instead of 'you you' because if someone pauses wrongly, it will read like a word accidentally repeated. Also, it disrupts the rap-ish feel to the poem (?). But good if there's some melody to this. GREAT WRITE.

~*Fire*~ wrote:

You called me names
you told me to leave
you were being mean
now it my turn
you get to hear what I have to say
I'm done with you
baby we're threw
you push and push
and my hate just grew
I found a man
one you'll never be
He holds me in his arms
and watches me sleep
you had your chance
I let time be
now just listen
stay away from me.

I feel a sense of rhyme throughout the poem although to pick them out, they are not orderly rhymed, but the random rhymes makes it all the better. sweet~

'baby we're threw' did you mean 'baby we are through'?
'now it my turn' -- 'now it's my turn'?

You know... when I read 'I found a man/ one you'll never be' I thought of Torn by Natalie Imbruglia.

~*Fire*~ wrote:

twisted minds and broken hearts
Faith deals that faithful card
I broke the rules
now i lost you
stupid move
now what to do

Straight out idea. a little too simple imo, but it's still touching.

'faith deals that faithful card' erm... it would be good if you change the 'faith' like use a synonym dictionary? It helps a lot for me.

I like the poem a lot, but can't say it's great because I have a personal detest for repetition of words, unless it's made deliberate, like repeating a line.

^It was a quick poem and just something that came to me. I am still working on it


HOW?
How many times can you except my heart to break
how many lies are you going to say to me
how many tears must I cry
Just to show you
how much I truely cared?

How much anger do you think I can take?
How many friends will I have to lose
How many times I fell fool to you
How can you do this to me
To say that you love me but also her?

Did you think I was a fool
Who would do anything for you
I thought you were the one
But now I can see that we're done.

Aww.. Don't be sad alright? People come and go, even more so for lovers.

I believe you'll get a new one soon enough ((:

But I wanted him, he was so perfect but the Jenny and her friend just keep telling me things and its like i want to believe him but...some of the things they are saying is so true

Great Poems fire =D

I may not be able to understand the emotions behind, but I definitely get where you're coming from. I've watched enough and seen enough to know that bit about all those friends who talk you out of love.

If it is true, why not just stay by him for a little while more, meantime, having your best friends keep a look out on him. If he does anything behind your back, you'd be first to know because of all these hardcore friends you've. If those friends are really your hardcore best friends, they'd agree to that condition I believe (it worked for some of my other friends). Just suggested though... But I'd like to warn you, friends tend to be right... unless they're out to tear your life apart. (But you mentioned that what they had told you were so true... if they were really that true, it means even you've noticed... Maybe it won't be that good after all, to stay in this relationship anymore. At least be the one to end it, so that you aren't the one who get hurt at the very end. Because when you're the one who end it, it hurts for a few weeks or so, but after awhile, you're able to appreciate other people around you... Maybe there's someone out there always watching you from the shadows? Who knows?)

Thanks Nox Hunii

See thats the thing Jenny and I are not even friends...she is kinda the guys ex but we talked (the boy and I) and its all lies but now its like well..how do I know but we're still together...nothing is going to break up.

Hey, join the thread for the forgotten - poetry contest? I'm hoping that more of the less known poets on this site can gain a little recognition through the contest. Please join!

haha sure.

Take me back

Take me back to the dream world
where its just you and I
Take me back to the times
where you didn't make me cry
Take me back to the room
where the sun would always shine
Take me back in your arms
the place my heart wouldn't die.

((Just a quick pome, Its about my sister to her ex))

Sweet. I'm emo right now so that poem sounds pretty uplfting. X:

anyway, thanks for joining the competition. The results are out (: Sorry that you didn't win.. You were one of the top three though. I guess rhyme makes things easier to read (:

Keep writing! Don't ever give up, because I still love your poems a lot. (I just don't want the results to be based on the fact that I love your poems... But I couldn't stop thinking your poems are good XD So one of it is in the top three.)

Take a look at this scene
Do you see a happy me?
Or just a girl who wants to scream?
Take a look behind my eyes
Do you see how many times I cry?
Take a look at my dreams
The one place where I always want to be
A place where the grass is always green
Take a look at my mind
Do you see I am one of a kind?
Take a look at my heart
What once was broken and torn apart
Put back with a promise of never be apart
Who makes this happen?
That is easy
The one that is never busy
Who always makes time for his daisy

((just came to me when I was thinking of my baby))

I scream your name in the middle of the night
Scared to death, Sick of this fright
I hear your name within the wind'
You're my one and only sin
Take this heart
Break it and tear it apart
Without your love
How can I be this dove?
Terror running and hate in vine
I'm sick of it here in Blaine
I need your help its as clear of day
Though I know there is this price to pay.
Come and take me away

The screams that haunt my dreams
They are no longer the same
The fears that once hide in the dark
Have now resided in the park
The horrors that once were lost
were found once more
All by the closing of the door
The hate and terror
One thought is how could you hit her?
The fear that was in her eyes
Only made her want to say bye

the last poem, instead of 'bye' how about using 'goodbye'? because it feels a little incomplete because it has too little or too many syllables.

and i simply love this poem (:

Really nice. I love the first two lines most. ><

keep writing!

waw!! you know when i read your poems! i felt like i was kind f reading my life in a book or something like that! very expressive and i loved them!

more writes please... ?

How perfect I thought you were
You gave my life reason
You gave me the fight I needed
However nothing in this world is perfect
Everything has its flaws.

You turned from the light
drove your heart into darkness
made my heart bleed
All those lies
all the broken hearts
to you just a game

Now you spread the lies
The hate
The shame
In only hopes that I do the same
Though my heart is cold
It isn't dark..

Nice!! i really like it

'though my heart is cold/ it isn't dark' beautiful, sweet.
Close to the heart. and if that's what's happening to you, gws!
those guys aren't worth your tears. tears are for those who dear you.
Love yourself by not crying! he taught you how to fight, so use it to fight on! SHOW him, IN HIS FACE! use what he taught you to hurt him as well.

life's like that, if it gives you peaches, eat it. if it gives you lemon, squeeze it into other's eyes. (: