the long lost love of abby or is it

its like any other day in high school for abby when a strange boy moves in across the nieghborhood and goes to the same school as she does. she meets the boy in the hallway one day and he says he wants to show her something. so like any other high school girl she goes with him. he takes he to the forest and he says that he loves her even though they just met today at school. he also says she and him are vampires intangeled in a fate of love. what will happen next for our poor abby? and what about that strange boy?

starting:
i was just starting to walk to school when i saw a moving van pull in. i might need to investigate later i thought. when i got to school that day i heard alot of rumors about a strange boy joining us this semester becauce his father had work here.

the next day when i get to school on friday the new kid bumps right into me. he looked hot i thought. i guess i have to move one of the high ranked guys down for this hoty.
"hey my names Abby." i said.
"hi my name is troy. What class do you have next cause i'm a little lost?" Troy said.
"oh i can have Science you?" i said
"me too!" troy said.
so when i showed him the class room for science i said he could sit by me. when class was over troy said he wanted to show me something. so like any new friend i say okay. yeah big mistake Abby.
How was it please tell me? this my frist story so it might be iffy

he said."i will show you what i said earlier after school okay?"
"yeah thats fine." abby said.
after that abby and troy went their seprate ways to class, Abby Art 2 and Troy Music 1. The rest of the day went pretty fast after that. when it was finale after school abby waited by her car hoping to catch troy walking out of school. then without knowing it Troy was right behind Abby. he poked her on the sholder. she nearly jumped out of her skin.
'What was that for!!??!" Abby nearly screamed at Troy.
"i thought it would be funny to see what you would if i did that to you." he said.
"well i didn't think it was funny at all. maybe i don't want to go see what you wanted to show me earlier!!" abby said more calmly to troy.
"please you have to!!" troy said with a puppy dog face.
What will abby do next say yes or no to her new high hotty??

okay. i don't wish to see you stop writing because i said this: it isn't that good. keep writing. I believe you will get better as you go along with your story/ stories. Don't live on others' impression, live on your own. Believe in yourself friend, it's okay that it sucks, because it's only the beginning. At least you took the step out to start writing and to experiment. Don't worry too much about being good or bad, just write. Just do it. Well, I've got a poem for you (: (hope it can serve as booster for you.)

The Poem

When you get more experienced, and you turn back to look at this work, you'll be able to find the mistakes and improve this story.

The first step is always the most difficult. What I've commented about your write you may remember it in your heart for a long time, but whatever it is, don't let it hinder you from continuing your writing journey.

Of course I know it's not easy to get over the emotional hindrance of others flaming or criticizing your work (took me almost 2years to get out of it), but keep trying, keep believing, keep writing, keep working, keep walking, keep moving, when you keep on the 'keep's , you'll get bolder and you'll become better.

KEEP ON WRITING!!

~Ger.

((thanks Dreamer very incouraging words))

"I can't i got swimming practice today sorry Troy maybe another time?" i sheepishly remebering that just now.
"Okay how about tomorrow than?" He said a little sad.
"um i think i could but i doubt it cause i have the yearbook to do anyway so..." i said.
"well than catch you tomorrow and i'll tell you tomorrow morning, kay?" ha said overly hoping.
"um sure where do you want to meet?" i asked.
" we could meet at the front of the school." he said. "be there at 7:00 sharp okay?"
"okay 7:00 sharp. what did you want to show me anyway?" i asked a little curiously.
"nope not telling." he said happy that i was instereted in what he wanted to show me.
"please i will skip swimming if you tell me now!!" i said a little to excited for my own good.
"okay but follow me and keep your eyes closed okay." Troy said.
"okay. where are we going anyway?" i said.
"into the woods." troy said.

How was that? i need critizers for this task. please view.

I think you have too little descriptions, explanations -- Chunks and paragraphs of words (not conversations).

Try not to use words like 'after that' and 'because'.

Maybe instead of of 'into the woods', you could use 'hush! just follow me."?

Then you can go on talking about how long it took and how the woods looked like etc.

thanx

ooo what's he gna show her? lol i want to know

your just going to have to wait.

well post more then i wont lol

when we got to where he wanted to show me something it was the most bright and beautiful places i have ever seen. i twas like a meadow without all the incloser they usually have. he turned me around and tol me not to say anything or to turn around or he was going to do something bad to me so like any teenager who was being harrassed i turned around and saw him with sharo teeth.
"what are those troy?" i asked in a very scared voice while backing away from him very slowly until i could bolt to my car to go home.
"nothing why abby scared?" he said.
"no i am not scared at all infact." i said while still backing away when i tripped on a stick. i fell back when out of no where troy caught me and set me down on the soft grass.
"just like you always falling or getting yourself hurt." he said.
"how do you know me even though you just got here yesterday?" i said getting back up facing him straight on.
"oh we all have secerts you know. i'll let you find this out yourself." he said.
he was gone after that. i stood there dumbfounded. i couldn't belive he just vanished into thin air in a matter of only seconds. he was not normal was all that i could come up with.



[[please comment it would help in the long run to make the story better]]

lol coll it kinda reminds me of twilight

yeah i know i was thinking about twlight when i wrote this.LOL

more is here!!!!!!!!

i got back to my car with Troy sitting in the drivers seat like nothing ever happened. i go in the car even though alarm bells were going off in my head not to get in the car with him. he dropped me off at my house and an right into the forest without even saying a word. i went inside and got a bottle of water. i went o my room and went online to do my english homework. after i was done i got a text from troy.
troy:hey
abby: what??
troy: know what i am yet??
abby: no and i don't want to know stalker
troy:kay have fun with that
abby: i will nite
troy: goodnight
and thats how my night ended.

cool you should right more... is he a vamp???

time will tell!!
i got writers block right now and it sucks big time. :'(

lol ok ill wait

I will be honest with my critics:
I'd say it's not very well-written, in fact, it's a little towards poor.

Still not having enough descriptions... and your spelling. You should write your story in word before posting it up. Word helps you to do spell check and grammar check as well. Your tenses jumped around which makes it difficult to follow the flow of your story. Try to stick to one tense throughout the whole novel. the lines are too plainly written, nothing that can catch the attention of the reader.

However, i can see the effort put in to word your ideas and thoughts. it's not easy to word them out and like I've said, keep writing.

Remember to get back to edit your earlier chapters when you're done with the story. the completion of a story is only the beginning of the whole writing process.

All the way!

anyway, you should add more. just keep writing until you think you're done with the whole story.

The next morning i got up and took a shower. i chose to wear a black long sleve with a red shirt on top with jeans and sneakers. i head down to the kitchen for breafast. there was a note on the frige from my mom saying she had to leave early for work and wouldn't be home until 10:30 that night.
After breakfast i got in my black car and drove to school like any normal day. i parked farther than normal from school today for some reason. i start waking to my locker when i bump into Troy. "hey." i say as i pass him not really wanting to talk with everyone around able to hear the conversation. "hey." he says not looking at me at all. Well thats a relief i thought to myself even though he didn't look at me i was fine. i actually liked it when he didn't actually talk to me. it made my life a hellofa lot easier in terms.
As the day went by with my classes. i gbored so i decied to skip my afternoon classes. after i was done with my salad lunch i got up and threw away my leftover lunch. i walked to my car. when i got to the door Troy was sitting in the passenger seat listening to one of my CDs that i had in the case. "what are you doing?" i ask him while getting into the car knowing already that he wasn't going to get out anyway. "Lisstening to music you?" he said. "well i was going to go the park but now thats out the window for ideas." i say keeping my eyes on the rode while drove out of the school parking lot. "and right you are." troy says turning off the music to switch the cds. "bored with that one?" i ask with my eyes still on the road. "sadly i am." troy says. "to bad i liked that one." i say. "oh to bad indeed." troy says picking a CD and putting it into the radio.
{{sorry i couldn't put more up soonre i had some homework to do}}

Thats really good

thanks

You welcome