Diary of a Psychopath

*This is a story, about confusion, depression, madness and nothing good. You have been warned.*

Dear Diary,

I guess I should start from the beginning.
My name is not important. So I'll call myself A for Anonymous.
I'm seventeen years old and honestly, I think I'm losing my mind.
I only have 4 close friends. My roommate, Apollo, his girlfriend Jessica. And my two best friends, Zarah and Brandon.

My depression started when I was about thirteen years old. When I was old enough to realize that my biological father had sexually abused me for years.
Then he left. Good riddance.

And now, my depression is on my own accord.
I'll save that part for another day. This first page is mostly being written so I'll be able to finish my story.
I know my thoughts don't make sense and they are probably confusing.
But this is a story about how I walk, a mile in my shoes.

-A

I no longer believe in love.

When I was a freshman in high school, I met the love of my life. But I didn't realize it until I actually gave him a chance, my sophomore year. He stayed with me through everything. Even when we thought I might be pregnant. I wasn't, thankfully. But there are times, why my head is filled with sorrow, that I wish I had been. That way at least, I could always have a piece of him with me. Always.

When we broke up...it was the biggest mistake of my life. I still feel that way, even a year later. But he has changed. He's no longer the person I fell in love with. He's a sex crazed psychopath who only wants to use me and hate me. And I'm left, broken. Caught in the past. No matter how hard I try to move on, I can't. No matter how much I try to pretend to hate him, I can't. I'm stuck in the loved we had, Julian. And for what I've done...I'm sorry.

And since I knew that, that was love, having never got over it, I no longer believe it exists for me, without you. But you and I will never be again. I know, I will walk this world alone for the rest of my life.

One of the saddest parts is, looking back. If I hadn't have made that mistake, we would be engaged by now.

Since I love true love, I know I will never find it, again.

Today I went to go talk to a therapist. It wasn't my first time talking to someone, but since my recent...episodes it was harder for me to open up. I didn't even make it halfway before I had to force myself to stop crying. I didn't want Apollo to see me like that. Or Dr. Ray for that matter.
It was horrible.
But at least I got some answers, that counts for something, right?