Dear Dear Diary

Dear Dear Diary,
Why is my momma bein' like this?
Agh!
She has huge circles under her eyes and looks like she's about to barf of somethin'! ;[
Why are all people like this to us?
I trusted him and I feel like he really betrayed us...
I thought that my own mother, my own mother...I thought she was wrong about him. He'd NEVER cheat on her!
He wasn't the type to do something like that.
But, hey, that's what you get for trusting people.
I feel sad all of the time now.
My stomach is always in jumble now.
Why did this happen to us?
I don't really know.
I never will, I guess.
My head hurts...Why does--I just don't understand how--
Why can't I!?
I want to go home. More like I want a home.
I'm in an elevator by myself, while I'm typing this.
Hate these things
Ring.
I'm off.
Dear Dear Diary,
Now we are leaving here.
When?
I don't even know.
But we are...
I knew it was coming, but now it's so soon that I was caught off gaurd.
Granny just died for goodness sakes.

When it rains/ Guess it pours/ Yes it does/ Wish there wasn't any pain/ But I can't pretend there ain't

Dear Dear Diary,
Where'd you go/ I miss you so/ Seems like it's been forever/ Since you've been gone/ Please come back hom =[
Mom's in the hospital and I never got to hear what she and B were talking about when she sent me out. I just no he's cheating and she's really p'oed.

Dear Dear Diary,
525,600 Minutes/ How do you measure, measure a year

Momma's gone...
To the hospital, that is. I'm such a loser.

Dear Dear Diary,
Momma's stll in the hospital =[
I keep saying that I wanna go home, but do I even have one?
My stomach burns.
My head hurts.
I wanna go home...Do I even have a home anymore? Courtesy of my parents.
I've already said that though. I repeat things to often. Maybe that's why he doesn't like us anymore. Gosh, what am I saying. I sound like a five year old. Goodness gracious.
But now all i can do is wonder when we are leaving.
My eyes are burning.
Thinking about it makes my stomach burn even more.Dear Dear Diary,
Mom's back.
Woohoo, I guess.
Whatever...
But, uh, I'm back at school.
K's (my stepmom) weekend b-day extravaganza is over.
And it's tuesday.
I'm trying out for Teen Jeopardy today.
Swell day, I guess.
I already said swell.
I need to stop repeating things.
Mom printed some sheets of B's convos from his Facebook. They were from this weekend. Mom was in the hospital, and I was at my dad's (he's in Iraq, though).
NO! I didn't peak. I swear to my goodness one fell, and I picked it up, automatically reading it.
He went and had sex with another woman.
They talked about how great it was and all that shizz.
She asked him if he wanted to come back up again when he was alone.
More like she begged...
And then she complained about how they never got to do it, but once.
I really want to hit him.
Cuss at him...
I don't know.
I just want him to pay.
No, I don't. I take that back. To mean! To mean...
As usual, I hide meh feelings and smile.
I've been depressed ever since I moved to Dad's.
I haven't moved around at all.
Just lain in my floor.
Staring at the ceiling.
Just sleeping.
Listening to music.
But I started to feel better after I came back.
Now I feel ten times worse.
I had an awful dream last night.

Dear Dear Diary,
I love the rain.
I could just sit out in it all day...
Weird, I know, but I hate sunny days.
Granny's funeral was on a bright day...
Bright and chilly.
And we left her there.
On a hill where it was cold, but the sun shined.
When Momma went all crazy, it was bright, too.
But it was hotter than crap...She was sitting in a lawn chair.
When it rains, nothing bad happens.
The rain just drowns everyone out, which is how my world thrives.

Dear Dear Diary,
Oh my goodness, I got a crazy talking spell today.
Well...More like muttering at a fast pace.
It was like gandncrjjdskskjdjdjd.
But S couldn't hear, thank goodness.
I mean the last thing I need is pity.
I'm being a baby all over nothing at all. Really!
And I think I've made him wait too long...
Dangit!
I need guts.
I'll love though.
xD
I don't believe in love, but maybe he can make me.

But I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I think I'm going to bark. Aghgh!
I don't understand B and Momma's logic there.
Hanyways...
off to bed I go.

But yo I gotta get out there/ the only way I know/
And I'ma be back for you/ the second that I blow/
On everything I own/ I'll make it on my own/
Ain't gon' follow no footsteps/ I'm making my own
The only way that I know/ How to escape from this 8 mile road
Off to work I go/ back to this 8 Mile Road

Dear Dear Diary,
Before...I used to love the sunshine.
I feel like I've changed.
I know that I've changed.
I just don't know if I like my change or not.
I never knew myself before.
I didn't know my favorite color.
I didn't know what I liked to eat.
More like I never told. It was like my feelings never existed.
But now I do. But, I don't know.
I can't explain it, but something has happened to me. >.<

Dear Dear Diary,
I'm at home sick.
I feel like poop and turd combined.
It makes no since, but again, you'll survive.
I find myself wondering that since I said yes to S, will he notice how much of an awful person I am.
i disregard others feelings and pretend I care.
Or at least that's how it feels...I mean--I don't even know.
I don't believe I mean to be mean...Or do I?
I love the Beatles.
I believe/ In Yesterday/
Now I long for/ Yesterday/

Dear Dear Diary,
Turns out, rain doesn't make everything bad drown.

Dear Dear Diary,
I've decided to ask out S. rofl
I used LB's phone.
S says yes via text?
Let's hope so.

Dear Dear Diary,
Lack of response to meh text = S says no
xD
Ah well, I really liked him, but mayb sum1 else will ask me.
I just really hoped 4 sumthin betweens us.
Ah well...I'll live.
I've repeated myself yet again.

Dear Dear Diary,
Since I'm an idiot and have trouble letting go of what "could be" (a.k.a last year with the whole I moved and my life sucked so I had to move back even though it may cause people in my life to be depressed), I sent him a facebook message just to see if he got meh text.
I don't know if I'll ask again if he hasn't.
If he did get it and just hasn't responded, then I think that it's prolly a no.
Can you say awkward?
Yes. Yes, you can.
I'm tired.
And in the process of packing for Lexington and cleaning meh room. =\
Whelp, I'll livers.
lmbo. livers.
I'm still sick.
But I went to school anyway.
Gotta study for academics. rawrawr.
I barfed about 20 times (rofl I felt like I was going to anyway), but I know being there was important. I mean I learned quite a bit, baha.
Momma says I can start wearing makeup when we go to the mall and have em find meh skin color and stuff...
awlz
Like I want 2!?!?
It'll be way obvious now!'
Maybe at the dance, or something.
You know the one,
The one that I need a date for?
haha
With S and all...
I'm nervous about state, and when I was talking to Kirb about how cool it would be if I could actually place first in Language Arts.
He said I needed to live in reality.
I'm gonna win just to prove him wrong.
Of course, he'll smile and say I believed in you the whole time, but I'll do it anyway.
But there is that girl who is makin' like 50 outta 50 on the test.
She made a 49 first and when I made a 42.
Then she made a 50 when I made a 46.
Mrs. B says that it doesn't matter.
She says that the girl went up one point and I went up four.
She said to keep progressing and I can make four more at state and the girl can only go down.
I was like rofl...maybe. haha
But wat Kirb said is still on meh mind...
maybe Mrs. B is leading me off of a clff.
Maybe I won't really make it.
=[
I don't even know.
Maybe I will.
Gotta have some hope right?
Hmm...I'm such an awful person.
Mom's right.
I've been talking back to her all day.
She keeps on trying to find somehting to yell at me about today, and I'm sick enough.
She kept on turning out to be wrong and that made her even more agitated.
She came in my room and said something and I told her blahblahblah and proved her wrong.
She said something else and she was wrong again.
I didn't mean to be mean about it....But she kept yelling at me about stupid things or things that she was wrong about...I mean like facts. I wasn't just arguing because she made a grammatical error or twisting her words around. She just yelled at me because I lied, and I didn't lie. She got mad because I didn't do something, but I had already finished.
You should've seen her then...her head was whipping back and forth just LOOKING for something to yell about. I guess so she could be right and yell at me once again.
But do I know have a right to resent her with the wholeher and Kirb scandal!?!?
rofl

In the light of the sun/ Is there anyone/ Oh, it has begun/ Dear you look so lost/ Eyes are red and tears are shed/ This world you must have crossed/ Oh yeah/ She said, "You don't know me. You don't even care."/ She said, "You don't know me. You don't wear my chains."

This is how I feel about everyone at the moment.
X'(

I really have a bad heart...I know I should forgive Kirb for cheating and mom for the whole suicide thing.
But they seem to be carved in my brain.
And in my heart.
I want to cry at the most random moments.
AGHGH!!!

You don't even care
You don't wear my chains

Those lyrics stick out the most.

Dear Dear Diary,
And I'm pretty sure that's a no from Shaney.
I'm on the bus, heading to state, and he alreayd knew what the text said.
He said he never got it, but he knew what it said.
He has said NOTHING. I mean NOTHING ELSE. On this...
And he's already been avoiding e.
So that's a no and I guess I need a date.

And I would've done anything for you/ To show you how much I adored you/ But it's over now, It's to late to save our Love/ Just promise me, you'll think of me/ Everytime you look up in the sky and see a star

And love is evol.
Spell it backwards, I'll show ya.

Dear Dear Diary,
Apparently, S and I have ben going to the dance since he asked me a week ago. I don't even know...Rofl
But at least it saves me the pain. I'll spill later.

Dear Dear Diary,
Why is this happening again? I'm starting to think rebelling against the whole meh dad's in Iraq might've been the bestest (rofl) idea after all...
But my future is too important, I guess.
Sad face. hehe
This diary isn't helping.
Okay. Actually, it's helping a lot.
I mean really a lot...It helped last year, too.
For some odd reason, I'm smiling as I type this.
For some odd reason, S is standing in front of my table. I'm sitting by myself in Starbucks and he just randomly walked up in hurr. rofl
He wants to know why I got tea when we went to Starbucks, the coffee staple of America. I hate stupid question like that.
Because I like tea...
Of course, I didn't say that. I just shrugged and said it was just what I was in the mood for.
MD is standing in front of me while S walks up to the trash can, inconveniently placed where it is touching my table.
Michael just sat down.
He's saying a bunch of perverted stuff, and for some reason, instead of laughing, I'm really reallly mad.
Ya know, I was smiling just a minute ago
Now I want to scream.
I'm getting sick now.

Dear Dear Diary,
Still in Starbucks...
We're leaving now.

Dear Dear Diary,
Life is getting real old, real fast.

Dear Dear Diary,
It really makes me sick...really really sick.
Kirb was right.

Dear Dear Diary,
Who plays Mark Zuckerburg in The Social Network?
He's one of meh many future hubbies. rofl

Dear Dear Diary,
S + Cati = Going 2 dANCE
I don't even know about going out. hehe

So apparently we've been going 2gether since he asked meh about a week ago.I know right!?!?
Insane-ness...
But yearp Cati's gotta date, but no dress.
Harhar
0.O Yes I did.
I don't even know what I'm talking about right now, but whatever.
Momma said we can go shopping for a dress soon. xD I wonder what I'll wear.

Dear Dear Diary,

JW (one of meh vair close friends) likes S, too.
Along with one of meh other close friends, MD. Apparently, JW just heard from S that he likes me.
She tells me then asks if she can ask him out to a dance of HERS.
I say, "Ya know what? Sure."
This'll prove to me, if he likes me or not.
If he says yes, he obviously doesn't like me at all. If he says no, people around me just might not be lying.
I mean about seven people have told me that he's told them.
There are obviously no secrets in this school. But I just don't know.

Here is was JW sent to S:

I know you like Cati, but I also like you... alot. You're amazing in soo many ways. But, you like my best friend and even though she told me to
do whatever I want, I really want to respect that. No matter, I want us to be best friends, always. Love you S,
JW

Omg I'll kill him if he says yes. But ah well...I'll live.
Exactly how many times have I said that in this diary?
Insane-ness.

Dear Dear Diary,
I stared at the message for a really long time.
How could anyone say no to that?
She did spell a lot wrong, though.

Dear Dear Diary,
Last night, after I wrote my diary entry, I got on facebook and sent a message to one of my teachers. Of course, she knows everything because she's awesome and everyone confides to her. My message from last night and today pretty much sums up my relationship with S right now.

Meh Dear Teach,
Apparently, S and I have been going to the dance SINCE the lock-in.
o.0 and he still avoids me.
o.0 and JW JUST asked him out.
If he says yes, I'll kill him.
Okay. I won't. I'll just smile and wave.
And be vair vair sad. :[
But I guess I don't have a right to that...But technically, I never even made him wait, since he thought this whole time we we're going. It was all in MY head, but it still doesn't change the fact that he is alienating me...
o.0 And Yasmin wants me to HELP HER ask him again, to see if he got her message or not.
Yes, she knows I like him.
YES, she knows he likes me.
Or at least that's what she said he said. And what you said what he said. And what Br [an academic friend that is a girl] said what he said. And what D [one of my boy academic friends] said what he said. And what TT [a girl academic friend] said what he said.
Yet he hasn't said what he said to Cati...who is saying, "Why are you avoiding me?"
Teach, give me some advice. YOU'RE THE SMART ONE!!
You're suspicious, sad, and tired student,
Cati >.<

That was last night...But here is today's:

He's going with her!!!
haha
I knew it. c[=
Told ya he didn't like me.

We are still going to the dance, but he's going to another dance with HER. Aghgh!
He.
Is.
A.
Hole.
Why do I like him then?


And we'll all dance alone/ To the tune of your death/ We'll love again/ We'll laugh again/ and it's better off this way/
Never again/ Never again/ They gave us two shots/ To the back of the head/ and we're all/ dead now

c[=

Dear Dear Diary,
Teach just replied. Hurr it is:

How did I miss this monstrously long email fraught with emotion and threats, yet I saw the itty, bitty short one????

He is not alienating you, you dork. That, too, is in your head. If you want my personal (smart person) opinion--and remember, this is my opinion not something he's said; but I'm pretty darn good about figuring out the primordial goo of emotional stuff--I think Mr. S is overwhelmed by having a lot of girls like him at one time. However, I knew as far back as last year how much he liked you. I begged him to tell you before you moved.

Now, I happen to know that S is a bit of a shy guy. He might not seem like it, but he is. You kind of intimidate him because he liked you from afar for a long time. So you have to be patient with him until he believes you like him back.

Don't stress about he and JW, dear. It's okay, I promise. I know things.

Dear Dear Diary,
I just had an epic Fbook convo w/ S. Here's how it went:

9:15 P.M.

S: Whatcha doin'?
Bro!!! Guess what!?!?!?!

C: WHAT!?!?

S: Hi

C: And I got excited for nothing .
Heyloo to you too
And I'm eating cheese trying to get beet juice off of my hand.

S:Beet juice?

C: o.0 whoa u weren't waiting or anything awesome.
I literally just ran in here after dropping my muddahrs beets in a can all over the floor.

S: Lol

C: I just wanted some cheese =[

S: Lol
Nice

C: I didn't get it all up either.
Just fled b4 I was caught rofl